Having My Cake and Eating It, Too

I've been writing this post in my mind for over a week now. It's actually the post that I have to get through so I can move on to other things. I start it, then erase it, and then start it again. It's a topic that has been addressed eloquently in different blogs. But now here's my take.

Tango and Relationships: Is it possible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't dance tango if you are?

In short, yes. I think it is possible. I'm not saying it's always easy, though. As you might have experienced yourself, it's really difficult to put into words why you need to dance--to someone who doesn't. Of course, we can talk amongst ourselves in our little tango world, and every word we say all makes perfect sense. But try expressing the myriad of feelings you have to someone outside that little world, and you can sound like a crazy person.

Last week seemed like a battle of wills both inside myself and with my boyfriend. I felt like I was going to have to choose between my boyfriend and tango. Not because of jealousy of a particular person or partner, but because I'm not home some nights. Or I think that's what the difficulty was last week. But whatever the trigger was, the end result was that I felt like a line was drawn in the sand. A line I drew myself, for myself. But I don't want to have to choose. I don't want to have to give up anything.

I want to have my cake and eat it, too.

It got me thinking about relationships in general, and why different kinds of relationships are vitally important. In one of my recent incarnations (in this life), I was married and I was someone's entire world, or so it seemed. It was a very tiny world. Needless to say, it was a lot of responsibility that at first I was willing to shoulder. And then a few years into it, I realized I didn't want the life I had been living. And since that world wasn't going to change, I had to leave it behind. Even though it was very hard at the time, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I've never looked back in regret.

It took a divorce for me to learn that there is a big beautiful world out there, and lots of amazing people are in it. I resolved to try to meet as many of them as possible, and some days I feel like I've doing a pretty nice job of it. That's where tango has played a big part in expanding my world, both socially and internally. My inner life is richer and more rewarding because I dance. My outer world is filled with faces I look forward to seeing, and the anticipation of new ones that will come my way.

I guess what I was feeling last week was a flashback to my previous life. And I don't ever want to feel like that again. So I panicked for a sleepless night. (And cried the next day at work and was a total basket case.)

The resolution came from a funny place: my blog. All of the words that sound silly in conversation must make more sense in written form. My boyfriend, bless his heart, finally started reading my blog. (Where has he been?) And then, I think he understood what I've not been able to articulate out loud. Yay!

Happily, I can say that he likes my writing, too. And for some reason, he also thinks that I am the Second Coming of Anaïs Nin, which I find very amusing. So I am acting accordingly. *smile*

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Ms. Malena wrote a beautiful post last week addressing the topic of tango and relationships. Her writing, and the comments that followed, made me feel less alone during my inner travails. And of course, the Sisterhood of the Spirit was my invisible safety net.