The Not Full Circle

I wonder where she is today. I miss them very much.

***

This is the post that I've avoided writing for months. Mostly because I've so wanted to have a different ending to this story of K and the kids. But in fact, this story only ends with a mystery and that is very saddening and dissatisfying to me.

I am not one for uncertainty, as most people aren't. I expect explanations and causes and reasons and facts. I expect to get the answers I'm looking for.

But in order to feel like there's not a shadow hanging over me anymore, I'll post this non-end, non-story and hope that after I finish, I'll have picked up some sort of lesson learned.

Shit, now I'm crying as I type this. I didn't want to cry but I can't help that now.

***

Many of you were so kind and generous to support K and her family when I first met them on a cold sidewalk in April. I can't even begin to backtrack this story but most of you who will read this already know the journey of this little family. I think it's because of you that I've been holding out on wrapping things up, mostly because I know that you as well as I wanted to end this story in the manner that we had envisioned.

It's not like there's a bad ending to this story. It's just that there's no ending, no satisfaction I can give you. My goal had been to help them get set up in their new home, which they may very well be living in by now. I had many of you onboard to donate household items and things for the kids. All I needed was the address to send these things to.

At the end of July, early August, right after my grandmother passed away, things were coming to a definite direction with K and the kids. They were days away from moving into their new home. Just about at that time, I lost contact with them. K's second cell phone was broken and supposedly it was getting repaired. I had no more money to give them, but we tried to keep in touch. She gave me an address where they would be moving so I could set up the wishlists for people to send items to. But the address was incomplete, or wrong.

Long story short, I could not get back in touch with her to confirm the address. I had made K promise not to leave town without saying goodbye and she had given me her word that I would see them again. But I never did. I've looked for them downtown so many times and in not seeing them in places I would have expected to, I can only hope that for whatever reason I do not know where they are, that they are warm and safe and healthy.

I did not think that K's birthday would go by without me seeing her and giving her a present. She turned 29 this past October. Her daughter's birthday is two days after mine. And now here it is, Christmas Eve, and my heart just breaks. Not because I can't be with them, but because it makes me sad to think that I won't know how those kids are, what will happen to them. They're beautiful, good kids, trust me. Those of you who met them know this.

***

I haven't written this post because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. For the longest time, I blamed myself for failing in some way. Which is ridiculous but it still didn't keep me from feeling like a total loser. If you know me, you know I don't like to do anything half-assed and I don't like to fail. And all this felt like was a total FAIL.

And I still get emails from people who want updates, which is totally normal and expected. It's not normal for someone to disappear from your life like that, poof! without some reason why. I can't explain it myself and the last thing I've wanted to do is cause others to doubt K and the fact that she truly needed us, and that we truly helped her. Because we did and that is something I DO know.

I've had different reactions from people, some who are angry at her on my behalf ("after all you've done for her?!") and the expository questions ("do you think she went back to her abusive husband?", "do you think she was lying to you?") and after a while, that stuff just made me extra crazy too. Honestly, I kept waiting for the phone to ring. And I didn't want to feed anyone else's imagination when I didn't have the facts.

In my heart of hearts, I know K is a good mother. She had to be to take her children away from such a dire and dangerous situation. I am trying to be okay with the idea that this is really where the story ends, as far as I am involved. It's hard. It's not what I wanted.

***

At the end of the day, what I hope most for them is that they are happy and well and taken care of. I know I played a tiny part in their lives to that goal. Along the way I made new and wonderful friends that I still cherish.

Perhaps someday that phone will ring and I'll know more. K has my number. Perhaps, but I won't wait on it anymore. It's time to move on and let the story be what it is: unfinished. I never thought a story without an ending could be a good one but I'm going to hope that this one is.

***

ps. To all of you good hearts out there who are reading this and understand, thank you. I do feel better for writing this all down now.

pss. I have to thank Lisa at HAMO for inspiring me this morning to sit down and write this post. Like me, she is just a regular person who wanted to make a difference, and in her way, she is doing amazing things to help mothers and children in need.

How do you measure a year in the life?

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes: How do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

~ From "Seasons of Love", RENT

***

Like other parts of my life, the Grove now brings me full circle. Just as I say that when I am in San Francisco I am alive, the same holds true for the Grove.

What the Grove embodies is that inexplicable but unmistakable reason why I live in San Francisco. When I am in the Grove I am alive.

I know the City has flaws and challenges and its own problems, but this City has more of one thing than any other city I have ever been to – heroes.

~ Mike Shriver

***

Something has been accelerating lately... a cosmic push that's led me to some eye-opening and life-changing meetings. I can't describe it exactly but some of the people that have been meeting me, many of whom will appear soon on i live here:SF are filling me with appreciation and awe.

There's been a concentration of happenings — I don't know what else to call them exactly — of people who have entered my life and awareness, almost en masse. These meetings bring into question my supposed belief that there are no coincidences, that we place too much importance on things happening for a reason. That we ascribe importance to random events that really are only random events, but our need to believe in a universal something makes us yearn for a design, a plan.

***

Only a couple of weeks ago did I meet Mike. Perhaps it's the new camera, but when I have it around my neck, people come over and talk to me. It's like part of my uniform now.

So I'm in Dolores Park, on my way to meet someone I've never met for a photo shoot, as is my way. ;-) This slight man, wielding a larger camera than mine makes eye contact and asks me if I've ever seen the red-tailed hawk that lives in the park. I haven't. Then we get to talking: about birds, camera, being obssessed with photography, and one things leads to another and then it's like I've known Mike forever.

I have no idea how the subject of the National AIDS Memorial Grove comes up. But then it turns out that we have a mutual friend, a wonderful man named Jack Porter who helped found the Grove. So we had even more in common.

December 1 was World AIDS Day. Mike texted me to see if I could help him cover the day's events and help him take photos of the celebration, awards and speakers. Of course, I got there as soon as I could. I have photos to share that I'll be uploading soon. What I will try to relate as well is the feeling of incredible love and hope that exists today for those on the forefront of fighting AIDS and discrimination for HIV+ people. What I learned about this disease, now in the 25th year since its discovery, shook me deeply and also made my eyes fill with tears of compassion for the people who live with this illness on some level daily.

For those of us who think our lives are not affected by AIDS and never will be, it's just not true. I asked Mike to share his special SF story with us and it is a beautiful story. I hope you'll read it.

No day but today

Pretty in pink.
Celebrating a special friend's birthday with strawberry, chocolate and mint chip gelato... and a very fancy strawberry cupcake.

***

Sunday was a day of small triumphs.

A wonderful blogger and new friend, J9, made a special trip in from the East Bay with a perfect little refrigerator so now the kids can have milk for cereal and K can store the breast milk for Baby M that she pumps. There's room in there for fruit and maybe a little dish or two.

J9 also brought a box full of cute clothes for nine-year old D because her two sons have grown. He really seemed to like them all.

The cell phone situation is all handled.

We had fun at lunch with our new friend P., and celebrated her birthday over lunch and some treats.

We went to the playground and some little people played on the swings and slides.

We talked about lions, tigers, sharks, zebras and giraffes.

We hugged and kissed and Mommy wore a brighter smile today.

I hope the clouds are finally lifting for good.

***

Normally when I edit my photos, I listen to Bach or Chopin. But lately I've been listening to the soundtrack from RENT, something I used to listen to daily nonstop when I first saw the play years ago. I'm a big fan of the song "La Vie Boheme," and it feels very San Francisco-y.

But the other day I was listening to "No Day But Today," and the tears started streaming down all of a sudden. The lyrics meant something so different given the present circumstances, meeting K and her babies.

I took some of the photos of K and the kids and set it to the song... see what you think. I think this song describes what I want to say most of all. Please watch this video with me, and share it with your friends.

It's everyone's story.



There is no future - there is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this

Forget regret or life is yours to miss
No other road no other way

No day but today

I can't control (Will I lose my dignity?)

My destiny (Will someone care?)

I trust my soul (Will I wake tomorrow?)

My only goal is just to be (From this nightmare?)

Without you (There's only now)

The hand gropes (There's only here)

The ear hears (Give in to love)

The pulse beats (Or live in fear)

Life goes on (No other path)

But I'm gone (No other way)

Cause I die

Without you (No day but today)

I die without you (No day but today)

I die without you (No day but today)

No day but today

I die without you (No day but today)

No day but today

14,325 days ago, 4 days ago, today

14,325 days ago (39 years ago), a young man came back to the United States after his tour of duty, serving his country in Vietnam. He came through San Francisco on his way home. I don't know this man or know the details of the story, but I do understand that he was treated poorly, with disrespect and hate. It was wrong. It was undeserved.

14,325 days ago (39 years ago), I was learning to walk without the metal braces I'd had on my legs since I was a baby. No longer would people openly stare at me and ask my mother if I was a cripple, breaking her heart. I lived just outside of Washington DC when this young soldier came home to the United States, via San Francisco.

14,325 days ago is 20,628,000 minutes is 39 years.

At that time, one person became whole and one became hurt.

One stopped being stared at and discriminated against and one started to be, and neither one was to blame.

Luckily, I am the one who does not remember what that was like.

***

4 days ago this man wrote a comment on my post about my new San Francisco project, and it was an angry but sincere comment, so I published it even though sometimes I feel that when people say they read my blog, they really don't, based on the comments I get. They assume they know everything about you because you write a blog, or they know all about you based on where you live or what the color of your skin is or how much money you make.

Sometimes, including 4 days ago, people write to leave a comment so that they can be HEARD from the rooftops, my rooftops, even though those rooftops are small and not many people are listening because they're all too busy thinking about something else.

In truth, I'd rather have comments that stay on topic to the post, because then I feel like someone actually took the time to read what I took the time to write. But I'd also rather publish a comment that had some feeling in it, rather than the millisecond comment "nice blog."

***

Today, I would like to thank that man who, 14,325 days ago, served our country proudly and with his heart and sweat and tears, and also say I'm sorry that he was treated shabbily and without honor, by a nation of which some people in some places were arrogant, ignorant and insensitive. I can't apologize for those particular people, or even for San Francisco, where this hurt occurred, because I wasn't one of the ones who participated in such behaviour, and I didn't even live here.

14,325 days ago, I was learning to walk and be a little girl.

***

14,325 days down Memory Lane is a long time. I know we all wander down Memory Lane, and lots of what we remember during our travels back there end up on our blogs and sometimes those memories end up making us smile, or may end up hurting us in painful ways we thought we had forgotten.

Or else we never left Memory Lane at all, and to me that is very sad and quite a waste of a life.

I would like to think that in 14,325 days, 20,628,000 minutes, or 39 years, people or places would shift and change and that my impression of them at some time in the past would be subject to improvement.

I would also like to think that for the next 14,325 days that this man has before him, if he is to be so lucky, and all of the days that possibly lie before all of us, that we spend more time looking forward than we do looking back, if it does not serve to make our lives more joyous.

We may not have 14,325 days ahead. We may only have a few.

***

First photo taken in the Haight, where all of the sidewalks have something to say.

Second photo taken in the sweet and haunting pet cemetery in the Presidio, where beloved pets sleep forever under the freeway overpass.

Inauguration Morning in San Francisco

This morning. San Francisco's beautiful City Hall in the early morning light.

As the crowd grew larger behind us, spreading out to the sides, everyone so full of anticipation.


And then it was his moment. Our moment.

Finally. Finally.

Finally.

***

I can't say more than what you already feel inside, so we can just enjoy the feelings together.

One thing that was wonderful and creative and perfect to share was this, though. People inscribing their wishes and hopes for our new president.

1000 Origami Peace Cranes on canvas.

Up close, you could not make out the image as easily.

I got a chance to make my small mark on a spot of canvas.

And then the moment had arrived.

The canvas was turned and uplifted.

And so were we.

Happy Inauguration Day.

***

ps.: This glorious artwork, Be the Change You Seek, and the woman who made it, Arlene Elizabeth, can be found here.

At Midnight Tonight

For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~ T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

***

I thought it would be fun to give all of you a New Year's Kiss.
Because if you were here, it would be lovely to wish you a wonderful 2009 in person.

But the kisses kept coming out blurry, or worse, which just made me laugh because they were looking very very silly. I had to delete them.

So perhaps it's better to send you a laugh, and hope your year is full of smiles.

Ah, that one's not too bad.

***

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." ~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Happy happy happy New Year, my friends. My, but we were really put through the ringer in 2008, weren't we? But enough of that. Things will be better this time around. I'm so glad you're here to share new stories and adventures with. Un grand bisou to all of you.

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." ~ Joey Adams

A Paean to Penicillin

I guess I could have also titled this post a "Canticle to Ciprofloxacin hydrochloride" since I'm actually allergic to penicillin but then you might not have known what I was talking about. (Although I know you are all very brilliant minds and you would have figured it out quickly.)

Last night I finally took myself over to Urgent Care to get a prescription for this stuff because after a week of "oh, I think it's going away..." I realized that I needed some real medicine. (No worries, I'm fine.) But anyway.

The thing I walked away most grateful for last night, besides the extremely nice people that helped me-- from the intake lady to the doctor to the pharmacist who let me sneak in and filled my prescription in like 30 seconds even though they were closed-- was how freaking lucky I am to have received a slim plastic bottle of pills that will make me feel all better by tomorrow or the next day. Even though I am going to take the entire week's dosage and I hope that you take ALL of your antibiotics like you are supposed to because it's very very very important and I'll get back to that later.

I can't help thinking about what it must have been like to live 100, 200 years ago with a minor illness, which although not life threatening is certainly life-annoying and can get much worse if left unchecked, without the benefit of something like penicillin. I've always loved to read the biographies of scientists who made major discoveries to the benefit of all mankind. Louis Pasteur, you are the man. Marie Curie, you're even more the man because no one wanted you to study science in the first place.

One of the books on my nightstand that I'm chipping away at before bedtime is about Joseph Priestly and Antoine Lavoisier, one a humble English minister type and the other a French nobleman who was eventually guillotined during the Terror, and their quest to discover oxygen. Subject might not sound like a blockbuster but in the history of important knowledge that's benefited humankind, it is. What strikes me about both these guys is that their lives were not easy, got totally messed up by religous zealotry (one in the strict sense, and one by the religion of political fervor) and how the human mind can be so single-mindedly brilliant when it wants to be.

The tiny list of scientific explorers I mention here helped to pave a way to an improved quality of life for all of us, and they did it without the benefit of government grants, readily available ingredients, laboratories or assistance, and sometimes working under life-threatening circumstances. That type of perseverance, to the understanding of our physical universe with the side effect of benefiting fellow humans and generations to come that could build on their discoveries, always fills me with pride and hope that we can do more and be more as a species, regardless of our gender, religion or nationality.

I am not going to talk about Sarah Palin and the fruit flies again. But to me, now, she is the ready poster girl for a subset of people who not only walk around clueless, but could possibly impede the future and direction of scientific inquiry. This is not a rant but if you want to read a well-reasoned and informed one, check out Andrew Sullivan. Now I'm not saying that all of us have to geek out on science like me. I used to hang out after school in junior high and help my biology teacher separate and count fruit flies, not for extra credit, but because I thought it was very cool to be a tiny part of a scientific process, even at the age of 12. So even back then, I knew that studying fruit flies wasn't just blowing smoke up someone's ass. (Certainly at age 12, a person can find lots of things to do after school besides observing Drosophila melanogaster.)

What I hope is that our country will turn back the clock on eight years of morality-induced prejudice leading to anti-scientific inquiry. I wrote a post recently about change and what we might be willing to do to help move our country forward, to the benefit of all Americans and the world. I'm thinking maybe one avenue for me might be to help support issues regarding the advancement of scientific research. Not just because of the Cipro. But because to me, Science can be a tool to advance Hope, and wasn't that also a theme of this election? Making life better for all of us in a measureable, meaningful way?

But first I must address why I woke up at 1:20am and found myself here in front of the computer. (Actually, I was thirsty. So I'll get my drink of water and catch you all later.)

***

ps.: For a hair-raising but very important read on why we all need to do our share to help prevent the development of super-resistant strains of bacteria, read Laurie Garrett's The Coming Plague. It's like reading The Andromeda Strain or The Stand and then coming to the uncomfortable realization that you're reading non-fiction. Want to believe in a real Armageddon? Good chance it could come from a microbe. And there's no mention of the Rapture, either.

8 p.m., Pacific Standard Time

Election Night.
At 8 p.m., the room exploded with joy.
Inside The Independent, Divisadero Street, San Francisco.

***

Like a lot of you, I'm really tired today. But it's a different kind of tired. I'm thrilled to be tired. I've destroyed my vocal cords from cheering (but my voice does sound damn sexy, kind of like Kathleen Turner in her prime) and the palms of my hands still hurt a little from clapping.
My eyes are puffy from crying.

But it's all good. I wouldn't want to be any other way today.

***

I think this is when I started to go a little nuts.

OHIO! And Florida! And Virginia!
I had it easy. I live in a slam-dunk state. But the people who got the word out, who stood in long lines, who live in parts of the country where making this leap of faith is a HUGE deal...

YOU are my heros. Truly. Thank you.

***

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer." ~ President Elect Barack Obama

Once I got outside of The Independent, I saw this flyer just a block away while heading towards home.

I've always felt that I missed out in the great moments of history: the Women's Suffrage movement, the end of WWII, the Civil Rights Movement, the Kennedy Administration, the space race. Times that formed our nation's consciousness and helped make us a country that people looked up to.

I don't feel like that anymore.

***

The entire transcript of Obama's historic speech is here.

It's Almost Over

Do you think Obama's health plan will cover PTBS (Post Traumatic Bush Syndrome)?

***

"Widespread intellectual and moral docility may be convenient for leaders in the short term, but it is suicidal for nations in the long term. One of the criteria for national leadership should therefore be a talent for understanding, encouraging, and making constructive use of vigorous criticism." ~ Carl Sagan

Good luck, America. Let's get things back on track.
We can do it!

In the Mission.

On Haight Street.

On Divisadero.

In the Tenderloin.

In Golden Gate Park.

In my 'hood.

I wish that all the people who normally watch Faux News had watched Obama's infomercial instead Sean Hannity, but hopefully a few of them did.

I will be so proud when this man is my president.

Yeah, I took all of the photos. Except that first one.

***

UPDATE: You may already have read this, but Obama's grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, just passed away. So close to seeing him achieve a place in history, for himself and our country. It is just heartbreaking.

I just can't help crying about this.

From the press release: "In lieu of flowers, we ask that you make a donation to any worthy organization in search of a cure for cancer."

I will be donating, and gladly, just as gladly as I donated to help get him elected.

Word on the Street

Random wisdom I saw on my treks all over town today.

Love (in unexpected places. I adored seeing this little plant growing out of the wall.)

Now is all you have.

This one might be a little harder to read.
It says "Hope will never be silent ~ Harvey Milk. VOTE"

***

Word on the street is that 100,000 people in Denver came out to see and hear Barack Obama today. It's almost over, folks.

I don't know about you, but this picture makes my eyes tear up gladly and my heart smile.

From the end of his speech: "Our destiny is not written for us ... it is written BY us ... not as Democrat or Republican but as AMERICANS."