And now back to being completely shallow...

Thank you all of you who commented on my last post. This whole issue with K and the kids became a litmus test of sorts for me, and not intentionally. It surprised me to see who came out of the woodwork and expressed some amount of care and support for me and the situation. It was certainly disappointing to see those people who I thought would do more to help end up doing nothing at all. This definitely colored my view of certain people and who I thought they were, and made it hard for me to keep in contact with some of them because of it.

I couldn't get past my disappointment. But then when I thought about it, I didn't want to. It surprises me how many people talk a good line... but that's it. It's so easy to rant about what everyone else is up in arms about and then live a life completely isolated from what one is so riled up about. I think this happens a lot in the blog world because the platform is so easily accessible. So passionate about political, social and religious issues but then how far do you take it? Do you walk your talk or just like to spread the flames about? I've decided personally that I'm not going to be one of those people if I can avoid it. I'll write about something if it affects me and my life personally so that my experience is what informs my opinion, for right or wrong, because it's what I directly know. There's too many directions one can be pulled in already, and too many distractions.

You can't save the world by writing about it and then hoping other people will do it for you.

But enough of that.

***

Well, after all of that, I thought I might have something else to add, but apparently I'm all out of ideas!

Guess I'll have some breakfast instead. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

The Not Full Circle

I wonder where she is today. I miss them very much.

***

This is the post that I've avoided writing for months. Mostly because I've so wanted to have a different ending to this story of K and the kids. But in fact, this story only ends with a mystery and that is very saddening and dissatisfying to me.

I am not one for uncertainty, as most people aren't. I expect explanations and causes and reasons and facts. I expect to get the answers I'm looking for.

But in order to feel like there's not a shadow hanging over me anymore, I'll post this non-end, non-story and hope that after I finish, I'll have picked up some sort of lesson learned.

Shit, now I'm crying as I type this. I didn't want to cry but I can't help that now.

***

Many of you were so kind and generous to support K and her family when I first met them on a cold sidewalk in April. I can't even begin to backtrack this story but most of you who will read this already know the journey of this little family. I think it's because of you that I've been holding out on wrapping things up, mostly because I know that you as well as I wanted to end this story in the manner that we had envisioned.

It's not like there's a bad ending to this story. It's just that there's no ending, no satisfaction I can give you. My goal had been to help them get set up in their new home, which they may very well be living in by now. I had many of you onboard to donate household items and things for the kids. All I needed was the address to send these things to.

At the end of July, early August, right after my grandmother passed away, things were coming to a definite direction with K and the kids. They were days away from moving into their new home. Just about at that time, I lost contact with them. K's second cell phone was broken and supposedly it was getting repaired. I had no more money to give them, but we tried to keep in touch. She gave me an address where they would be moving so I could set up the wishlists for people to send items to. But the address was incomplete, or wrong.

Long story short, I could not get back in touch with her to confirm the address. I had made K promise not to leave town without saying goodbye and she had given me her word that I would see them again. But I never did. I've looked for them downtown so many times and in not seeing them in places I would have expected to, I can only hope that for whatever reason I do not know where they are, that they are warm and safe and healthy.

I did not think that K's birthday would go by without me seeing her and giving her a present. She turned 29 this past October. Her daughter's birthday is two days after mine. And now here it is, Christmas Eve, and my heart just breaks. Not because I can't be with them, but because it makes me sad to think that I won't know how those kids are, what will happen to them. They're beautiful, good kids, trust me. Those of you who met them know this.

***

I haven't written this post because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. For the longest time, I blamed myself for failing in some way. Which is ridiculous but it still didn't keep me from feeling like a total loser. If you know me, you know I don't like to do anything half-assed and I don't like to fail. And all this felt like was a total FAIL.

And I still get emails from people who want updates, which is totally normal and expected. It's not normal for someone to disappear from your life like that, poof! without some reason why. I can't explain it myself and the last thing I've wanted to do is cause others to doubt K and the fact that she truly needed us, and that we truly helped her. Because we did and that is something I DO know.

I've had different reactions from people, some who are angry at her on my behalf ("after all you've done for her?!") and the expository questions ("do you think she went back to her abusive husband?", "do you think she was lying to you?") and after a while, that stuff just made me extra crazy too. Honestly, I kept waiting for the phone to ring. And I didn't want to feed anyone else's imagination when I didn't have the facts.

In my heart of hearts, I know K is a good mother. She had to be to take her children away from such a dire and dangerous situation. I am trying to be okay with the idea that this is really where the story ends, as far as I am involved. It's hard. It's not what I wanted.

***

At the end of the day, what I hope most for them is that they are happy and well and taken care of. I know I played a tiny part in their lives to that goal. Along the way I made new and wonderful friends that I still cherish.

Perhaps someday that phone will ring and I'll know more. K has my number. Perhaps, but I won't wait on it anymore. It's time to move on and let the story be what it is: unfinished. I never thought a story without an ending could be a good one but I'm going to hope that this one is.

***

ps. To all of you good hearts out there who are reading this and understand, thank you. I do feel better for writing this all down now.

pss. I have to thank Lisa at HAMO for inspiring me this morning to sit down and write this post. Like me, she is just a regular person who wanted to make a difference, and in her way, she is doing amazing things to help mothers and children in need.

A Day of Mentions

Woke up to a mention in 7x7 Magazine and ended it with a shout out in Muni Diaries. That's very very cool. I have to remind myself that I've only been taking photos for a little over a year when I get impatient, which seems more common lately. There's still so much more I want to learn and things I can't wait to see and encounter and capture.

This is my favorite for the day. I call it my Robert Frank Tribute photo. I took it on Turk Street, walking towards USF.

I've been to see the Robert Frank exhibit at SF MOMA four times now. I really will miss not being able to see it again after August 23.

It's inspiring. It makes me think about what I want to take pictures of and why.

And right now, I'm also grateful to a lot of local SF photogs who have reached out to befriend a newbie, give good, solid helpful advice and include me in their photography journey. People like Plug 1, Thomas Hawk, emamd, jbellvilleart, Brad' aka citysnaps and B.S. Wise. And my local girl crushes, the effervescent Chipmonkey and my new flame, Kelly Rae.

So give them a looksee, and say hi from tangobaby if you want.

***

ps.: for those of you who have been so wonderful, waiting for info about K and the kids and the move, I wish I had good news for you today. I thought they would be moving today but they are not. It's been a rollercoaster of events and they're so disappointed and so am I. It's been hugely stressful. There's a problem with PG&E. I don't know when it will be resolved and won't go into the details here, but keep your fingers crossed that I only have good news from now on.

Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters

I hope J.D. Salinger would approve.
Photo taken in the Tenderloin with Plug1 as my accomplice in sneaking around.

***

It's a week of happenings. I know you know that. Looks like K and the kids move on Friday and I promise to keep you in the loop so you know what I know.

It's been the longest week in the world already, and it's only Wednesday. But I have the feeling that wonderful things are being built. They're just not ready to share yet.

Happy Wednesday, friends.

xoxo

The end of one thing, the beginning of another

summer's last rose

***

It is a grey, windy day. I walked over to Golden Gate Park which is positively overrun by people going to see the Tutankhamen exhibit at the de Young museum. The cars clog every sidewalk curb and jam themselves like puzzle pieces in the small intersections.

I went to the park to see what I could find. Actually, I needed to find something for a project (for lack of a better word) and then I saw this little rose, just hiding next to a curb.

I gave this blossom a story: that it was either waiting to be discovered or waiting to crumble.

Next week, K and the kids are moving to their new home. I can't even tell you how much drama there has been this week in their little lives, all of it through circumstance, and it seems like an unfair punctuation mark to a story that has been so sad, even though the move is going to happen. I just wish their last days here had been easier or that I could have done more.

And then it dawned on me that I won't be seeing these faces again like I have been, every week, for months. It feels like yet another loss, not so sad because I know that they are moving on to bigger and better things and the way they're living now is so unsustainable and difficult, but it's still a loss all the same.

I will miss them. But unlike this little rose that no one else will notice, I hope that K and the kids know that they are noticed, and just as beautiful.

Three Months Ago Today

Three months ago today, my life changed in a way I never would have expected it to.

Three months ago today, a young mother struggling to fight back the tears as people walked past her on their way home (home, to their homes) as she held up a sign written in colored marker and decorated with some glittery stickers that her beautiful seven-year old little girl gave her, a sign pleading for enough money to pay for that night's shelter: she and her young family stood cold and crying on a cold afternoon sidewalk in the canyon of tall banks and glass windowed buildings on a cold and windy street in San Francisco.

Three months ago today, my life intersected with these lives and this little family became my conscience and my sadness, my hope and my passion.

It seems like forever ago but it was only three months ago.

How lives can change in such a short time.

***

For those of you who have been following this story and the updates since Day One, thank you.

For those of you who listened to Adam's podcast and shared your comments and thoughts, thank you.

For those of you who took the time to repost or retweet the original story and the updates, sometimes as many times as I did, thank you.

For those of you who wrote K a note or a letter, even though you had never met her and never will, and gave her hope and let her know you cared about her and her family, thank you. She received each and every one of your letters.

For those of you who found you could donate some money, thank you. For those of you who donated a little refrigerator, clothes and diapers, food and toiletries, adorable stuffed animals, and a beautiful writing journal, thank you.

For those of you who didn't give up on this little family, thank you.

***

You and they have given me the proof that people are good and kind and want to be so.

That might be the greatest gift of all.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come." ~ Anne Lamott

***

UPDATE: It's funny to have an update to a post that hasn't been published yet, but I got this information after I had written the text above, but before I was ready to hit Publish Post.

It's too perfect, too wonderful and oh so real.

K called me. Her apartment is almost ready.

She and the kids will be moving into their new home on August 4.

On August 4, they will no longer be homeless.
Her son will have his own room, and hopefully he will get a football comforter for his new bed.
Her daughter will have her own room to decorate with all of the Hannah Montana and High School Musical posters that four new walls can handle.
The baby will have a crib, finally. He has never slept in one.
K will have her own room, her own bed.
Her own life.

If you're shedding a tear while you're reading this, you're in good company and I think that this is the best kind of crying.

I will be seeing K today and we are going to start putting together a wish list for the new house. I will keep you posted on that because I know some of you might like to help with donations of house-things.

This update seems to be the best sort of way to end a post that already had an ending, but wouldn't you know it, life just goes and surprises you like that sometimes.

Back into the real world.

Waiting on the threshold between Church and State.

***

Yesterday I watched this elderly woman hesistate in the doorway of the St. Peter and Paul Church in North Beach. She stood there for quite a while, and at first I thought perhaps she was waiting for someone to pick her up in a car, or perhaps it was so dark and cool inside the church and so bright and warm outside that it was too much of a contrast for her.

She has one of those canes that has the little rubber four-footed stand at the bottom. Of course I thought of Little Helen as that whole story is ongoing and sad but mostly I saw myself in this woman and how she seemed like she couldn't move from the spot she was in.

I've been in constant motion for the past two days, enjoyably so, with Relyn and Robin. Yesterday we did our North Beach trek via the incredibly steep yet lush and beautiful Filbert Steps, the 30 Stockton through Chinatown with a dash of sugar provided from XOX Truffles (the Earl Grey truffle is still my favorite) and a canolli at Stella's (I can't eat a cannoli without thinking about that scene in The Godfather: "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.") and then to SF MoMA to see the Richard Avedon exhibit and the Robert Frank. Both couldn't be more different kinds of artists and seeing these two influential and important ways of seeing juxtaposed was quite striking.

Even though I've been in motion, walking the city and enjoying the company of these two fine ladies, there's a part of me that seems even more stagnant and refusing to budge. I still don't have a job. My grandma is still dying and my mom is still stressed to the max. K and the kids are still homeless and low on money. I can't seem to change these things. There's a cloud of poverty around me and my thoughts and I hate it. It's distracting.


Yesterday, Robin asked me what my goals were and I really couldn't think of anything less mundane that to not feel poor so I said that I don't think I had any goals. But actually, now I do. Earlier in the day, Robin let me play with her camera while we rested in the shade near Coit Tower. I don't even remember what kind of camera it is but I would describe it as a Real Camera. With Real Lenses. I had this huge feeling of AHA! And WOW! So this is what everyone keeps talking about. Realistically, I would need about $3-4K to get started.

I took these photos with my little PowerShot which now does feel small and puny. I still can see that these are good images but not great ones. Every picture I take makes me wonder now how it would be if I had a better camera. A Real Camera.

I feel like one of those misunderstood princesses who is waiting for the magic to start happening. The magic waiting in the wings that will change everything and for some reason that magic seems like it would be a new camera.

But I don't have time to wait around for a fairy godmother or a dashing prince so I'd better get some goals developed asap and get this camera myself. Somehow, I will. And now I have a goal and perhaps I'm teetering on the threshold of a bright new day. And I do think I have Robin and Relyn to thank for that.

This is the real world.

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,

Thank you for cutting this family's welfare check from $683 to $580 a month for a family of four.

They don't really need that extra $103 anyway.

Not even this little guy.

***

I just wanted to thank you, dear readers, for your continued support of K and the kids. K has been sick with a summer flu (just after the baby had it) and while she was sick, I told her how you all continue to step up and help to keep them afloat until August.

I could just hear the relief in her voice.

Today she gave me a letter to transcribe to give to you all, which is at the bottom of this email.

But first, a little treat.

***

I had a bit of extra money in my wallet so I thought it would be fun to have dinner at Chevy's.

Lots of baskets of chips later, and lots of laughs and fun, we ate ourselves silly. I, for one, will not be eating anything tomorrow. The kids interrupt each other constantly to tell me something new and exciting: "Auntie Julie, guess what happened..." "Auntie Julie, we saw spider monkeys at the zoo yesterday..." "Auntie Julie, I can do my times tables up to 12s..." "Auntie Julie, Auntie Julie!"

How I love to hear that. They never stop making me smile.

***

And now here is K's note to all of you...

"To my Guardian Angels–

Hello everyone, My name is Kelaya.

You all just don't know how much of an impact you have had on my family. The kids are so greatful [sic]. Words can't even express my gratitude.

You all helped save my life. Each and every one of you, I am in tears right now as I write this thank you note. I also wanna thank God for such wonderful and careing people. You all did not know me or my children but still you helped us. I think of you all as my family.

Thank you all for believeing in me. All the emails that you sent to me made me feel a lot better about my situation and [kept me] strong. I would read them over and over just about every day once the kids were at school and the baby was asleep. My life was so hard before I new [sic] you all.

Thanks for easing the pain. We Love you guys so much. Big Hugs and Kisses from K and kids.

ps.: Can I read some more inspiring emails from you all? Please you guys are awesome!!!"

***

And with that, I hope you feel proud of yourselves. Those of you who helped in all the ways you could. Of course, we'd still appreciate any donations you can make, friends you can share this with, or emails you can write.

Mostly, I want you to know that these people are real. They have hope and laughter and life because you care. And so I add my thanks to theirs and my hugs and kisses, too.

xoxo

The real reason why I signed up for Twitter.

These little guys.

***

I had to laugh at one of the first emails I got after people could see that I had finally left my judgemental ivory tower and registered with Twitter. It was from my darling little Chipmonkey, asking if I was feeling okay because she had gotten an email that meant I was either ill or else someone was sending out a hoax email purportedly from me.

I had to tell her that I really did sign up for Twitter, all by myself, after all of my endless high horseness and anti-social networking attitude. After all, aren't blogs enough?

***

But here is the real reason I signed up: for K and the kids. When the story first started picking up lots of views and attention way back in April (gosh, that seems so long ago!), people were so kind to twitter this for me and truly great things happened. Because I didn't want to Twitter myself, and couldn't see why I needed to do it if other people were doing it for me, I just let things run themselves and it worked out just fine. I figured it was enough to have other people do it for me, and it was.

You guys kept this family safe, off the streets, with a place to sleep and food to eat and clothes and medicine. YOU did it.

All we need to do is get to August 1, when her situation will most likely improve financially (fingers crossed). However, until that time:

Our piggy bank is almost empty.

We have enough cash to last another week or so, but we will need about $700 more to keep us going until August, unless they get into their new apartment by then. I know you all have done so much already, so it's hard to ask one more time for help, but I'm asking.

If you can donate something, the PayPal button is still in the sidebar. You'll be helping us get that little extra push across the finish line. We've come so far.

Thank you.

xoxo

clocks are ticking

We become aware of the void as we fill it.
~ Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943

***

tick tock tick tock
45 days away

good news:
In 45 days or less, K and the kids will be in a new apartment.
That is going to happen.
In the meantime, I've been concerned that we might run out of money before then, but now it looks like something even better might happen, and soon, to help...
K might be getting a little part-time job!
This will be an extraordinary help until the right place to live comes her way, and then maybe we won't need to worry so much about running out of money.
She will find out about the job next week.
The news made us hug each other with excitement.

tick tock tick tock
6 months away

bad news:
Little Helen's doctors have spoken.
She will go home to hospice care.
They will make her as comfortable as possible.
Her birthday is next week.

***

All of this time
of what will happen in this many days,
this many months
is making me a little crazy

***

I went grocery shopping.
I loaded up my tote bags with fresh herbs, not having any idea what I will do with them.

I just wanted to smell them.

I bought huge baskets of the most gorgeous ripe strawberries you've ever seen.
I bought a Chinese tea-smoked duck just so I could have the pleasure of watching the old man chop it up with his cleaver, his hands covered in shiny grease.

The smell was intoxicating.

Then I bought some roast pork just so I could see him chop it up, too.

I know this sounds silly.

I inhaled the crisp smell of the fresh mint getting crushed against my arm all the way home.
I still don't know what else I'm going to do with it.
Maybe I'll make some Moroccan mint tea.
But smelling it made me feel better.

***

The rose is for Little Helen.
I took this a few weeks ago, when I was sad and made myself go outside and take pictures, just because I had to go outside.

I didn't realize at the time I had taken this photo for her.

The rose is not perfect
but it is beautiful
because
it
is

Scenes from a Saturday

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." ~ John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983

A creative table made out of a surfboard invites some to catch an indoor wave.


"If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all." ~ Pearl S. Buck

This big sister always knows how to keep her little baby brother happy. She loves to push his stroller and makes sure he has a pacifier or a bottle when he cries.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." ~ Frederick Douglass

Good natured play and fun in front of the camera.

"There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million." ~ Walt Streightiff

Someone donated a ducky faced soap, which of course will be put to good use by one special little girl.

"One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination." ~ Sam Levenson

A donated straw basket in the hands of a bright boy becomes a turtle's shell.

***

Thanks to Lisa and Rachel of HAMO and our mutual friend Colleen for inviting me and K and the kids to a bagel brunch. We brainstormed ideas and sorted out diapers, clothes and toiletries.

K and the kids filled some bags with little soaps, toothbrushes, feminine hygiene products and a load of diapers, all generously donated through the outreach of Help A Mother Out.

It's amazing how a little soap, a new tube of toothpaste or a glass of fresh orange juice can make someone smile.

Please keep your fingers crossed for them. The possibility of a new apartment could be just days away... we hope, we hope.

***

ps.: K's daughter was voted Best Student out of her ENTIRE school! By both her teacher and her principal. She was awarded a special scholarship to an advanced summer school and as her mom told us about it, she couldn't have been any more proud. As we were too.

Busy Bee

Yes, more bees.

***

I can't help it. It's just so gratifying when you get a good bee shot. They are very difficult models. Plus, I practically have to stick my camera up their little bee bottoms to get these photos. This bee must have been humoring me.

For lack of a better metaphor, I'm going to bee busy this weekend. I'll be over with Lisa and Rachel at Help A Mother Out (HAMO) as they sort through bins of donated clothing, diapers and toiletries. And for those of you who want a K and the kids update, they will be joining us to help and play with the other kids, too. (I'll tell them you said hello. No apartment yet, but we're working on it, everyone is doing okay and I'll be keeping you updated.)

I met Lisa and Rachel when the story about K and the kids first started. They've been enthusiastic and stalwart supporters of my story but what they're doing to help mothers in need STATEWIDE is even more incredible. (And they just got a shout-out on Craig of Craigslist fame's blog yesterday.)

Lisa and Rachel are two young mothers with young kids who are making a tremendous difference in the lives of mothers and children who have been affected by these difficult economic times. Won't you read a bit more about them here?

About their diaper drive, which has been a huge success. But will always be needed and ongoing.
About the organizations they work with.

***

Thanks again, and I hope you all do something you enjoy this weekend. And one last plug and BIG thank you to Adam for the podcast we did last Sunday. If you didn't get to listen to it, I hope you will, and thank you to those who already have! (I've cleverly put it at the bottom of this post, just in case.)

Powered by Podbean.com

The Sound of Our Voices

In blogging, the written word becomes a substitute for our audible voice. We read each other's bloggy voices, supply intonation and diction according to our own imaginations.

How particularly special it is when you get to hear the sound of a friend's voice, someone who's voice you've only heard in your head until now.

***

When Adam at I Don't Give 2 Cents, I Throw Quarters first started reading my blog last year, I was really struck by his honesty and willingness to put his opinions and feelings out in passionate and well-reasoned ways. I found his viewpoint to be refreshing and I liked that he challenged me.

When Adam invited me to be a guest on his podcast for his blog, I was flattered but I also didn't know what to expect. We ended up having an hour-long conversation that felt like we've always been hanging out and chatting.

It was great to hear the sound of a blogger's voice, as Adam put it: "some one who exists as 9-point type is now a real person." I'm really grateful and super thrilled that Adam so generously wanted to make my recent posts and goings on such a big part of his blog.

I hope you'll take some time to listen to our conversation. There's some cool music before and after our interview, provided by his sponsor Papyrus Records, and I've really enjoying listening to our talk. We talked a lot about K and the kids, and about Prop. 8.

So now, for the curious, you can hear what some bloggers' voices sound like if you've already been reading our posts.

***

I, for one, did not end up sounding like Kathleen Turner. Apparently, Moon Unit Zappa's influence on my manner of speaking has never really faded (I guess you can take the girl out of the valley but not the Valley out of the Girl, so that's unfortunate) although I did not utter the word tubular. (To my credit, I did not swear.)

Adam, on the other hand, sounds very professional, has a lovely, smooth speaking voice and certainly has a talent for radio. Ohio radio stations, you should hire this guy as a DJ.

I hope you enjoy the podcast, too. Let us know what you think.

And thanks again, Adam. I hope this chat is the first of many.

In my next life, I want to be British

Brian & Eileen's Wedding Music Video. from LOCKDOWN projects on Vimeo.

I daresay that this video is like 99.9% as good as the Susan Boyle video.

This video also made me question my almost terminal wedding phobia and also made me totally miss Freddie Mercury. I am going to have to listen to Queen's Greatest Hits all day today.

If the above statements weren't enough to make you watch this video, then you are a party pooper.

***

ps.: The picnic was fun, even though it was bloody freezing and the sun never came out. But K was always surrounded by a few people, talking quietly, and I loved looking over to see her smile or laugh at times. That was mostly what I wanted, so that she felt like real people were there to meet her and care about her. I never saw the kids at all, they were on the playground for hours. They ran over once or twice to inhale some food and then to dash off again.

And meeting a few people that I've only corresponded with via email or spoken to on the phone... gosh, I love that. And Gabby drove for hours just to be with us. What a sweetheart. You have no idea how cool this guy is (well, if you read his blog, you do!). And Nancy came early and kept me company and helped me carry all of the food to the park. Thank you! And then Greg and I watched Dark Passage at my house afterwards.

And apparently the trick to the best brownies ever (no, it's not that, silly) is 3/4 cup of Nutella added to the mix. Best brownies EVAH. Sarah, you're awesome! And not just because of the brownies. I'm so glad I know you.

mi causa es su causa

How badly do I want this Matt Diffee t-shirt?
Badly.

***

"There are no accidents in my philosophy. Every effect must have its cause. The past is the cause of the present, and the present will be the cause of the future. All these are the links in the endless chain stretching from the finite to the infinite." ~ Abraham Lincoln

***

"Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity." ~ Christopher Morley

***

"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted." ~ Bertrand Russell

***

Tomorrow some lovely FOTs (Friends of Tangobaby) are turning out for a little celebration.

A picnic in the park to meet K and the kids, eat some sandwiches, play on the swings and just hang out with a little family that is long overdue in the Friend Department.

Of course it's foggy, windy and freezing cold today (yet another summer day in San Francisco!) but, sunshine or not, we're off to picnic on Sunday.

***

The title of this post, a riff on mi casa es su casa and a nod to one of the greatest scenes in Pulp Fiction (not that I'm at the Eric Stoltz level of dress and/or coolness), is because while I realize that not everything I care about or think about is required reading or pondering by anyone else, for those who choose to take up my causes once in a while, unasked-- just jumping in and saying, What can I do?... those people make me so glad to know that I'm not kicking around in a vacuum.

Looking back on this holiday in years to come, I'll remember this particular Memorial Day weekend also as a group of strangers who became friends because they wanted to serve another, just by being kind.

An Embarrassment of Riches

"It is an unfortunate human failing that a full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach." ~ Franklin Delano Roosevelt

***

I don't know what it is exactly about my particular malady of the moment, but despite the fact that I cannot seem to stay awake for more than an hour or two during the day, at night I have these vivid, crazy dreams or my mind is awake and filled with essays and far-flung ideas that all seem to connect, as if I have a high fever. But I'm not feverish at all. My head hurts and I can't put my mind to rest after dark. I'm becoming a creature of the night.

After tossing and turning for over an hour, plus it's quite warm here now (75º at 12:42am as I write this), I've decided to just write write write until I can go back to sleep again.

***frieze above the Villa Taverna, Hotaling Place
a private club where only being rich makes you worthy

I'm thinking a lot about having money, about not having money, and what having an extreme amount of money does to atrophy the human heart. For the past thirteen years, I've been working for and around extremely wealthy people, mostly women. I've been culling these snippets and observations for such a long time now, at first fascinated by a world that most of us will never have entree to, and now have left it for good, with a reserve of disgust built up by what I've seen. It's a specific segment of the ruling class, and by no means a statement on those philanthropists who use their wealth to improve lives, but to those petty lesser nobles whose only cares run the gamut of designer shops, country clubs, spas, bridge games and gossip.

I think about this now, as my iPhone beeps daily with little sweet messages from K and the kids over the past week: Aunty Julie, we LOVE you. Get well soon! Aunty Julie, we miss you! BIG hugs!!!

I miss them, too.

I am so fortunate. I cannot think of a single wealthy woman I've ever met (except with one brilliant and generous exception) who would have helped K. In fact, those who have been in a position to help in a profound way have completely ignored my story.

Most of these women (and again, I haven't much experience with the husbands, just the wives) are obsessed with their appearance and are deathly afraid of aging (is that the precursor to losing the husband who pays all the bills?). Plastic surgery aside, getting facials, manicures, pedicures, eyelash tinting, eyelash extensions, hair color, blowouts, massages, fat reduction ... all of these sometimes weekly activities, not counting the endless hours of private designer trunk shows at Neimans, Saks and Chanel, tea parties, socials and the like... a life so unexamined leaves little time for anything of substance. In fact, it renders many helpless, if not downright ignorant (why learn to use a computer if you can have someone use it for you? Or even possess the skill to write a complete sentence, for that matter?). Of course a staff is needed to cook and clean and maintain the home so it looks like a perfect hotel, not to mention the retinue of gardeners that are on site five days a week.

One employer who begrudged me a measly $2 hourly increase in pay and never failed to mention it with a sigh ("I never paid my previous assistant as much as I pay you"), as if I was robbing her blind, as I filed her numerous bank statements, each account holding monies well into the millions, had three closets. One contained only shoes from floor to ceiling, the cheapest pair starting at around $400, and many of them unworn because her bunions were too painful. How many trips did I make to the shoe repair man to have these perfect shoes stretched to accommodate growing bunions? And still she made a hobby of buying expensive shoes she couldn't wear.

Again, I am fortunate. That sort of wealth without the heart or mind to claim some common sense and decency instead creates a prison of the soul. These people are so afraid of not having money that they're probably worse off than people who really are impoverished. Not having money means not having the right friends, power and position in "society." It sounds very Jane Austen-ish, and it is. Nothing much has changed in that regard where position and money rule. At one time, I thought I'd write my own version of The Nanny Diaries, and capitalize on the inanity I've been exposed to, but when I think about it now, I realize these people just aren't worthy of my attention any longer. I am grateful for that.

I am looking forward to feeling better soon (!) so I can see my little family of friends again. This week Aunty Julie will be ready for them, BIG hugs having been stored up for days on end.

Full of riches that don't cost a cent but that still can't be bought at any price.

What you helped us do on Mother's Day

Because of YOUR generosity and love and care, K and the kids got to spend all of Mother's Day at the zoo. (We-- meaning all of us-- got them a membership so they can go as often as they like over the next year. The kids LOVE the animals... thank you!)

We saw giraffes and zebras and flamingoes and lions and tigers and goats and ...

We played in the petting zoo and ate hot dogs (the goats got pellets) and had ice cream and juice...

And swung on the swings and slid on the slides. Just the normal happy things that moms and kids should get to do... and they loved every minute of it.

Thank you for your continued generosity and love. YOU are the people that are making a difference.

While You Were Out

Dear Gavin,

I hope you had fun in Washington DC yesterday, meeting with all of those important people in our nation's capital. Are they helping you out with your gubernatorial campaign? How was the Victory Garden Tour at the White House?

Well, I just wanted to keep you up to date with some things you might have missed out on since you're not in town too much these days. Even though your schedule says you're in your office today, I didn't see you when I was outside City Hall this morning.

Maybe you didn't realize this, but today there was a press conference on the steps of City Hall by homeless mothers. Apparently, homeless mothers in the community have been trying to meet you for over two years to talk about housing and issues that affect their families, but somehow you're never available to meet with them...

Here are some of the kids that your mayorship affects with the city's lack of transitional and low income housing for families...

Little kids living in one room SROs in Chinatown (7 people living in one room? That's insane.)

Mothers worried about how they'll survive each day.

People holding up a banner that reads "housing is a right, not a privilege."

Rachel and Lisa from helpamotherout.org were there. They have a diaper drive to help mothers who need the basics and can't get them because there aren't enough services. Did you know that there isn't even ONE diaper bank in the entire city of San Francisco?

Lisa, Rachel and I had to leave after the press conference to meet with K and bring her some diapers, formula, blankets and other items for the baby. But another concerned mom from Badgermama went up to your offices with the rest of the crowd and here is what she reported about being outside of your office for an hour:

I went up to the Mayor's Office with about 20 people. They kicked us out of the office and said that the one woman who can access the mayor's schedule was in a meeting. We waited in the hall outside the Mayor's office for over an hour.

Finally a guy came out and all he did was take a phone number down and promise that someone would call the coalition to make an appointment. Everyone had to leave, the children were restless, the ABC reporter split off some of the most involved folks to get them to go with him and a cameraman to someone's apartment in Chinatown where 7 people live in 1 room.

I played with children in the hallway so that moms could talk to the cameras some more...

So there you go, Gavin... just a little recap of the stuff going on right outside your door, fyi.

UPDATE 7:44pm: Here is the news segment that aired on KGO tonight.

***

On an entirely different note...

Kelly! These animals were a HUGE HIT!!! The kids LOVE them! Thank you so much!!! They told me to say thank you! They immediately started playing and hugging them. So adorable. You knew exactly what to get.

xoxo

julie

a sea change

sea change
n.

1. A change caused by the sea: "Of his bones are coral made:/Those are pearls that were his eyes:/Nothing of him that doth fade,/But doth suffer a sea change" (Shakespeare).
2. A marked transformation: "The script suffered considerable sea changes, particularly in structure" (Harold Pinter).

***

1.	a striking change, as in appearance, often for the better.

2.	any major transformation or alteration.

***

at the Palace of Fine Arts
lingering memories from the 1915 Panama-Pacific International Exposition

Last night I went to sleep much too late. It must have been an exceptionally foggy night because the fog horn moans were much longer and deeper than I remember them sounding. Even being so many blocks away from the ocean, it made me wonder and appreciate 1. how loud those horns must be to the people that live closer to them, and 2. how many maritime disasters were averted over the years by the sounds of these horns, hidden in the fog but providing a necessary warning to those who might stray into harm's way.

***

When I was a little girl, I had a Viewmaster-- you know, that plastic gadget that you insert a reel of slides in and look through the eyeholes. My favorite reel was the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, and aside from the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, my favorite Wonder was the Lighthouse at Alexandria.

With its height, its fire and reflective mirrors, that lighthouse not only marked an incredible achievement in engineering but also provided an invaluable alert to avoid danger and destruction and loss of life.

***

Fog horns and lighthouses. Keeping strange travelers safe from harm.

***

I just have to tell you that things are better today with K and the kids. I know you were worried and so was I, and despite the fact that I won't say more about the past few days, you should know now that the sun is shining and we are back on track.

Last night, as I laid in bed and listened to the fog horns, I thought about the phrase a sea change and pondered what exactly it meant. Truly, meeting K and the kids has provided the basis for an alchemical change in me, how I see the world around me, what my opinions are about people and their nature, how I see this city from a different vantage point and perhaps how cities in general function or do not.

All of these things are good. I think some of you were worried that in my efforts to help K, that I am not taking care of myself or am putting her welfare above my own. Yes, and no. As a hedonist and selfish person, I'll never fully be able to not consider my own happiness. However, my happiness is surely linked to others and I don't find that to be a bad state of affairs. What you might read here, whether it is frustration, sadness, anger, hope or love, is true and real.

I would rather write something abrasive and honest because I have experienced it, then not to write it at all. Those who can take it and understand will stick with me, and those who can't won't, and that's fine too.

But those lighthouses and fog horns are real. We all need to see them and listen to them. For this one little family living on the edges of a world that doesn't see them, there are many many others who also need help. I think we need to start small.

I think we can all be fog horns and lighthouses in ourselves. Even if it is to guide one other person, we can do that.

xoxo

ps.: The PayPal button will be up again shortly. Use it if you can.

My Superhero Cape Is Getting Heavy

Guys, listen up. I'm so so incredibly appreciative that people keep picking up K's story and running with it: yesterday again we got shout-outs on SFist and Eye on Blogs AND now I'm BlogHer of the Week at BlogHer (which is huge and I'm really grateful... thanks, Jory!) but I gotta tell you, I'm a practical person and I just want to get shit done.

I'll be very honest and tell you what I need to help K and the kids and what I don't.

What I don't need (ie., stuff that raises my blood pressure):

• Any more comments telling me how nice I am or how great it is about what I'm doing. I'm not doing this to get my angel wings. If you think what I'm doing is great, don't just talk about it-- DO something. Tell your friends, post this story somewhere. Donate some money. HELP.
  
• Any more lists about places I can call, please. I have every fricking last one of them.
  
• Any more smart ass comments about The System. Trust me, I know The System is fucked. Comments like that don't help.
  

What I need and this is the plain and honest truth:

• I need a sublet, a single bedroom apartment or a hotel room with a kitchenette to rent for K and the kids from now until the end of August in San Francisco. That's it. It's that simple. With the donations I've received, if there is a good hearted landlord out there (and I'm guessing there has to be at least one) I need a place where this little family can stay until their permanent housing comes through in September. Budget is obviously a consideration.
  

Now honestly, with all of the attention out there about K's story, this part should be a walk in the park. I just can't do it all by myself. I don't know every person and possibility in San Francisco. Please don't email me Craigslist ads. I want solid leads or people who know people who can do something tangible.

So you guys that really want to help... help me find a place for them to live in the city. Somewhere in the city that's decent, with a little kitchen and a bedroom. The kids are in school until the middle of June and then they are in summer school with their little pals. So we're not taking them out of the city.

That's it. That's what we need. If I can, I'll pay for it in advance even. No Section 8, just a little sublet to rent till the end of the summer. This family is quiet and sweet. The kids are precious and fun to be around. The baby is adorable.

After that, then we can talk about more clothing, toys, etc. I mean, if you don't have a closet to put your clothes in or room on the floor to play on, having piles of toys and clothes piled in the tiny place you DO have just makes it harder to live normally. Having a kitchen where your mom can make you breakfast or where she can whip up her famous mac 'n cheese casserole is a hell of a lot better than eating KFC and Carl's Junior all the time because you don't have a kitchen.

So who's stepping up to the plate with me? If we get this housing part done, then hell, I don't know what I'll do for you yet but it could totally involve showering you with kisses and giving you my undying gratitude. And perhaps just knowing that you were a superfucking action hero and that I'll share my cape with you, because YOU helped save a family-- that might be the reward in itself.

Let's finish this story and make our own. In the happiest way possible.