Back into the real world.

Waiting on the threshold between Church and State.

***

Yesterday I watched this elderly woman hesistate in the doorway of the St. Peter and Paul Church in North Beach. She stood there for quite a while, and at first I thought perhaps she was waiting for someone to pick her up in a car, or perhaps it was so dark and cool inside the church and so bright and warm outside that it was too much of a contrast for her.

She has one of those canes that has the little rubber four-footed stand at the bottom. Of course I thought of Little Helen as that whole story is ongoing and sad but mostly I saw myself in this woman and how she seemed like she couldn't move from the spot she was in.

I've been in constant motion for the past two days, enjoyably so, with Relyn and Robin. Yesterday we did our North Beach trek via the incredibly steep yet lush and beautiful Filbert Steps, the 30 Stockton through Chinatown with a dash of sugar provided from XOX Truffles (the Earl Grey truffle is still my favorite) and a canolli at Stella's (I can't eat a cannoli without thinking about that scene in The Godfather: "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.") and then to SF MoMA to see the Richard Avedon exhibit and the Robert Frank. Both couldn't be more different kinds of artists and seeing these two influential and important ways of seeing juxtaposed was quite striking.

Even though I've been in motion, walking the city and enjoying the company of these two fine ladies, there's a part of me that seems even more stagnant and refusing to budge. I still don't have a job. My grandma is still dying and my mom is still stressed to the max. K and the kids are still homeless and low on money. I can't seem to change these things. There's a cloud of poverty around me and my thoughts and I hate it. It's distracting.


Yesterday, Robin asked me what my goals were and I really couldn't think of anything less mundane that to not feel poor so I said that I don't think I had any goals. But actually, now I do. Earlier in the day, Robin let me play with her camera while we rested in the shade near Coit Tower. I don't even remember what kind of camera it is but I would describe it as a Real Camera. With Real Lenses. I had this huge feeling of AHA! And WOW! So this is what everyone keeps talking about. Realistically, I would need about $3-4K to get started.

I took these photos with my little PowerShot which now does feel small and puny. I still can see that these are good images but not great ones. Every picture I take makes me wonder now how it would be if I had a better camera. A Real Camera.

I feel like one of those misunderstood princesses who is waiting for the magic to start happening. The magic waiting in the wings that will change everything and for some reason that magic seems like it would be a new camera.

But I don't have time to wait around for a fairy godmother or a dashing prince so I'd better get some goals developed asap and get this camera myself. Somehow, I will. And now I have a goal and perhaps I'm teetering on the threshold of a bright new day. And I do think I have Robin and Relyn to thank for that.

Learning from the birds and the bees

In my room, the world is beyond my understanding;

But when I walk I see that it consists of three or four hills and a cloud. ~ Wallace Stevens

***

Today, the Little Pity Party. (I hate attending this party, even though I'm the hostess.)

Trying to get health insurance that I can afford (is there any such thing?) because COBRA is such a ridiculous joke that they obviously price it so that people can't afford to have it.

The landlords changed their minds and now won't give us a temporary reduction on the rent even though they said they would and we've paid them almost $80K in two years. They've owned this building for 40 years. It's paid for... fuck 'em. I'm not even getting into it.

I started doing my mental Rumplestiltskin thing so I took myself over to Golden Gate Park for a little cool down session.

The bees were busy.


The ducklets were following their mom around the pond.

No one here at the park has time for a pity party. They're all busy gathering pollen, learning to swim. They've got stuff to do and they're doing it.


I found a new place to sit and feel like things are going to be fine:
the Sky Garden at the de Young.

I sat in this concrete dome, looking at the sky through the hole in the roof and thought I have so many things I want to do, so many things I want to accomplish. And right now I'm not doing these things. I'm getting all hung up on stuff that just turns my mind in circles. So what's my story, morning glory?

I need to get back on track. Like now. No one else is gonna do it for me.

If baby ducks and bumble bees can get their shit together, so can I. They might be fuzzier and cuter than I am, but I won't let that stop me.

Okay, back to the drawing board.

xoxo

lost.

Well, I wish I could say that the first day of real unemployment was just like The Staycation but better... but I can't.

Things are not so hot here at Casa Tangobaby and even though you guys would all probably make me feel better if I went and visited you all, I just don't have the whatever it is right now to do that.

So play amongst yourselves and please do visit i live here: SF and tell all of your friends about it and follow it so you can get updates and all of that good and happy stuff because it's wonderful right now and I'm not wonderful right now.

But I totally love you guys and I'll see you soon.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

So I guess I'm the only one here at the office who ever watched Fiddler on the Roof as a child, let alone watched it every few weeks growing up.

With all of the long faces and shuffling about and packing up desks and us talking about our future plans, I can't help singing "Anatevka" in my mind.



I was thinking we could put on an office version of the play, but no one here has a babushka. *sigh*

***
More than a ps.: THANK YOU SO MUCH for your wonderful, sweet, kind comments and emails and the ones with the swearing, especially. So you'll NOT worry, I'm going to be here as a contractor two days a week, for the next few weeks, and I've filled out all of my unemployment stuff and now am going to figure out the rest of what I'll be doing. So thank you for all of the encouragement and pats on the back and hugs and all the rest of that good stuff. Thank you!

AND, if that wasn't enough, I just got my first installment of Gwyneth Paltrow's newsletter. I can't wait to be enlightened! Italics don't quite convey the excitement quivering through my body at the thought of reading what Gwyneth has to share with me.

AND, if that wasn't enough, last night I got engaged to my little friend Chipmonkey over drinks at the Clock Bar (she treated me to a Ginger Rogers and some truffle popcorn). Chipmonkey is going to marry me so that I will have health care and not have to pay $389 a month for COBRA, which is insane.

Even though little Chipmonkey is already married to Mike, we're going to figure something out. She even bought me a ruby ring made of candy. See?

See? Everything's working out so well already! In just a day, I already have a future wife, no health insurance and a lollipop ring.

xoxo

Well, that fucking sucks.

I don't have a picture of my pink slip because they don't give those out anymore. So I found a photo of a vintage slip because I hate having a post without a picture.

Hey, San Francisco!!! I'm available!

You hiring?

ps.: I can make cappucinos, too.