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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Learning from the birds and the bees

In my room, the world is beyond my understanding;

But when I walk I see that it consists of three or four hills and a cloud. ~ Wallace Stevens


Today, the Little Pity Party.
(I hate attending this party, even though I'm the hostess.)

Trying to get health insurance that I can afford (is there any such thing?) because COBRA i
s such a ridiculous joke that they obviously price it so that people can't afford to have it.

The landlords changed their minds and now won't give us a temporary reduction on the rent even though they said they would and we've paid them almost $80K in two years. They've owned this building for 40 years. It's paid for... fuck 'em. I'm not even getting into it.

I started doing my mental Rumplestiltskin thing so I took myself over to Golden Gate Park for a little cool down session.

The bees were busy.

The ducklets were following their mom around the pond.

No one here at the park has time for a pity party. They're all busy gathering pollen, learning to swim. They've got stuff to do and they're doing it.

I found a new place to sit and feel like things are going to be fine:
the Sky Garden at the de Young.

I sat in this concrete dome, looking at the sky through the hole in the roof and thought I have so many things I want to do, so many things I want to accomplish. And right now I'm not doing these things. I'm getting all hung up on stuff that just turns my mind in circles. So what's my story, morning glory?

I need to get back on track. Like now. No one else is gonna do it for me.

If baby ducks and bumble bees can get their shit together, so can I. They might be fuzzier and cuter than I am, but I won't let that stop me.

Okay, back to the drawing board.



Silliyak June 2, 2009 at 7:25 PM  

I'm betting you find a better rental for less, and the search for same will lead you into new adventures and discoveries.

Char June 2, 2009 at 9:08 PM  

I'm trying...I'm so trying. hope you get through it too. I'm losing hope.

Mari June 2, 2009 at 10:54 PM  

Don't lose hope! It's June, there's always hope in June : )

Relyn June 2, 2009 at 10:59 PM  

Oh, Julie. I'm pretty sure they aren't cuter than you.

Seriously. I am thinking of you. I am so sorry about all the struggles. From here, I don't know of a good way to help, so I'll just keep thinking of you. Wishing good things to come your way. Believing in you. Knowing you will make something marvelous from this yuck time. In fact, knowing that you already are doing just that.

julochka June 2, 2009 at 11:28 PM  

oh sweetie. big hugs from here. it's not easy...


Amanda June 3, 2009 at 6:56 AM  

Just an FYI - the COBRA cost can not legally be more than the actual cost of the health insurance (plus a small admin fee if they choose to add it; this is limited too). If your COBRA premium is REALLY high, then your former employer was also paying that much for your coverage.

Proof that the insurance system in this country needs work.

Try BCBS with a high deductible, or maybe only hospital coverage.

Good luck!

Bs.As. Dreamin June 3, 2009 at 8:16 AM  

My friend knows a lawyer who takes one class all the time so that she can be covered by student insurance. This is Texas so I don't know about California.

Also, have you tried meditating? When I meditate the overwhelming situations of life don't knock me off my feet. There are many places that give good meditation instruction, Buddhist centers, etc. Good luck.

Starlene June 3, 2009 at 9:24 AM  

Sounds exactly like my life right now. I went to my special place last night with Brendan and we spent an hour with some frogs and their babies. It was a good pick me up. : ) But I'm with you. I NEED to get back on track, man.

ps - I gave up on insurance. I am a statistic.

An Open Heart June 3, 2009 at 10:58 AM  

I am in no way shape or form trying to minimize, as I often hostess pity parties.....what I've found is that if I make a list of the things that I have to be grateful for, no matter how mundane, I find that I am rejuvenated. It doesn't really change the situation, but, helps me put things in perspective. Also, just doing ONE thing that is proactive, not trying to do all of the things on the list (you know, the list that put me in the funk)helps too. I am sorry you feel off track and out of sorts.....
sending good energy your way, Tangobaby!

Just Jules June 3, 2009 at 10:59 AM  

"If baby ducks and bumble bees can get their shit together, so can I. They might be fuzzier and cuter than I am, but I won't let that stop me."

Oh my ! That line made me giggle. I love the point that you are at - because it is almost like waking up from a nap that you have slept too long and you are groggy, yet you know that you need to get moving as not to waste the rest of the day----anyway!

I was thinking on you this morning as I took my "mom" pick and your photos were in the back. I have been so very busy and have felt out of touch with a lot of bloggy friends.

Thank you so much for the update! It is amazing how one can wonder and worry and thrill and cry with those we have never really met! Human emotions are amazing.

Thanks for the comment on my blog - apparently I should get half bangs since every other ciomment was yes and then no and then yes....! ha!

Cartooncharacter June 3, 2009 at 11:49 AM  

I love ducks. They are one of my very favorite animals.

I could easily join in on the pity party, being in a similar boat. But I'm with you -- sitting in the boat in the middle of the lake, feeling sorry for yourself, is worthless. Look at the inspirational duckies and start paddling madly towards the shore. Something grand awaits us there.

jw June 3, 2009 at 1:26 PM  

loved the cloud-hole with the opening sentence. Very not-pitiful

sonorossa June 3, 2009 at 7:03 PM  

Your photos look gorgeous, even if your outlook was not so sunny at the time.

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I have no answers...just a quote that got me through some of my tougher days in the months after I was laid off.

"Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." - Rainer Maria Rilke


Rachel June 3, 2009 at 8:28 PM  

You're all poetic, so my practicality is jarring but: have you looked into Blue Shield PPO or HMO coverage? It's not cheap (what is?), but it's a lot less than most COBRA costs and a decent deal for a generally healthy person. Let me know if you want more info -- I've had individual coverage thru them for nearly 15 years. -Rachel from HAMO