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Thursday, March 26, 2009

This is what happens when you eat a piece of moldy candy

... you sign up to receive Gwyneth Paltrow's weekly newsletter.

***

To be fair, I can't entirely blame the moldy chocolate for why I signed up for GOOP, because if you read my previous post about GOOP, you'd see this was very out of character for me (which actually does make a case for some sort of poisoning, now that I think about it).

(I did accidentally eat a moldy truffle today and so did a co-worker and although we're not really ill, the mental anguish and imaginary visuals we're going through is not pretty. I'll spare you the details of how such a thing happened.)

After downing the unfortunate truffle, in order to distract myself, as though my dinner last night was not enough for producing stomach ache inducing food issues this week, I had to read the Fug Girls' post about their addiction to Gwyneth's weekly newsletter.

This was the paragraph that sold me on GOOP:

"But little by little, GOOP's relentless obliviousness sneaks up on you and becomes oddly charming. Once you realize you're reading it not for the information, but for the peek into how Gwyneth ticks, it becomes hilarious — not annoying — when Gwyneth blithely exalts rare hibiscus-flavored Majorcan salt, or recommends giving someone a $1,400 leather weekend-getaway bag for Christmas. You react with an amused, "Of course" when a pal of the woman who once evangelized macrobiotic living produces a recipe called "Dino Meat," made of unappetizing lumps of obscure meat substitute served with mushy grains arranged in the shape of a cow (the awesome photo of which single-handedly validated our continued membership). Entertainingly, even the tongue baths Gwyneth gives to the celebrity pals she’s roped into contributing feel like she thinks they're cute insider dish. Christy Turlington is an “amazing mother” who recommends Jane Austen... There's something endearing about the image of Gwyneth sitting in a garret somewhere banging out a few paragraphs about the butt exercises she does when her trainer goes on tour with Madonna, or nagging Steven Spielberg to boost our cultural education with a list of his favorite flicks. (That he actually did it is also rather sweet.) Indeed, as vanity projects go, at least Gwyneth's intentions are good, if perhaps condescending — like when she had Deepak Chopra proffer tips on how to be grateful at Thanksgiving, as if we Philistines couldn't figure that out otherwise. On the other hand, obviously Deepak is one of her go-to gurus; we're actually shocked the Dalai Lama has escaped her reach."

I mean, who can resist a PR job like that? And it's free, which means I can save up for my Gwyneth-inspired trips to the Ritz in Paris and my stash of hibiscus-flavored Majorcan salt.

Actually, the real reason I signed up is that it might give me more opportunities to hone my Dorothy Parker skills, and/or use GOOP as fodder for future posts (sorry, but it's true). I should give the gal some props though, because in looking through the past issues of GOOP, it's apparent that she must write the thing herself.

And for all of us busy busy bloggers, we know it's a hard thing to come up with something new to say even without the demands of stardom. I have a hard time coming up with ideas and I just have a regular office job. I'm not even close to being friends with Madonna.

So despite the fact that I may or may not have ergot poisoning means that you are the possible beneficiaries of some GOOP wisdom in the relatively near future.

Because good things should be shared, I think.

And snarky things are even better to share. Bring it on, Gwyneth. I need to know more about "nourishing the inner aspect" because I am quite sure that I am not be doing that part correctly. And god knows I could probably do with some butt exercises.

20 comments:

Char March 26, 2009 at 3:34 PM  

I may not be feeding it properly...but it's well fed.

smith kaich jones March 26, 2009 at 3:45 PM  

Yes, baby! I cannot wait for snarky things. I love snarkiness. It's one of my favorite qualities in a person.

And re: my paintings. Would that be my right?

:) Debi

It's Just Me March 26, 2009 at 4:02 PM  

I wouldn't scoff so much at her posts if she didn't try to sound like an ordinary girl and that we can ALL afford that bag for our guests and friends.... Just admit you live above our par and realize the people that are there just want a peek at what it is like on the other side of the privileged fence :)

But, hey, with your take on the girl it makes for a charming post and served for good reading

WV- outmygo, oh the things Julochka could do with that one!

Adam March 26, 2009 at 4:56 PM  

LOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOL

robinbird March 26, 2009 at 5:12 PM  

is that true? you sometimes don't know what to blog about? it seems unfair that although you labor under the hard to believe burden of a shortage of ideas you still manage to bring us this stunning and insightful review of GOOP. food poisoning becomes you my dear.
xo

~K March 26, 2009 at 5:22 PM  

If you start to hallucinate..call me..I could use a good laugh!

Mari March 26, 2009 at 5:32 PM  

I feel for you! We ate Danish chocolate full of moths once...don't ask. The GOOP stuff cracks me up! I checked it out a couple of times, and it is soooo pretentious! GOOP stands for: Gwyneth, Over-exposed and Over- Paid!

Mari March 26, 2009 at 5:35 PM  

I also meant to say, that dino meat meal is perhaps the most unappetizing meal I've ever seen. Better stick to your moldy chocolate and your popcorn!

Bill Stankus March 26, 2009 at 6:10 PM  

That photo of Paltrow really creeps me out. Like I would never want to cross her, ever.

Mari March 26, 2009 at 6:20 PM  

Oh god, don't miss this post about Rosie O'Donnell on Etsy:
http://craftastrophe.net/2009/03/why-celebrities-give-me-hives/

Ummm, yeah. Maybe I take back all that stuff I said about GOOP... nah

Starlene March 26, 2009 at 6:26 PM  

I've been away for a week doing finding myself things and this is the first blog I read. I laugh my ass off and thing "I've missed you!"

ArtSparker March 26, 2009 at 7:24 PM  

Glad to know the Parker flame is being kept burning.

Octavine Illustration March 26, 2009 at 8:01 PM  

i'm sold. and in fact found the mag on twitter today. seems we are on the same page of trash reading.

Maggie May March 26, 2009 at 10:10 PM  

'dino meat meal' ???

seriously?

ModernTanguera March 26, 2009 at 10:28 PM  

You won't believe this--just a couple days ago a friend of mine said she was trying out some old truffles that she had forgotten about, and I was warning her about the mold that sometimes hides in the middle of truffles (because I, too, have experienced that horror). yechh!

paris parfait March 27, 2009 at 4:02 AM  

Snarky is right. Until I saw a couple of offerings from Goop, I had the impression that Paltrow was smarter than she appears to be. And the condescension! One has to wonder what her husband - just a simple British bloke, despite his rockstar status - makes of it all. Many, many New York columnists have derided Goop over the past few months, but she continues to churn it out. So one has to admire her defiant attitude, if nothing else. I'm not sure what she thinks she's accomplishing. But I can see that your Dorothy Park skills can be honed here - as though they need any improvement. :) xo

whatpossessedme March 27, 2009 at 8:18 AM  

I had to unsubscribe from the newsletter because it made me want to go out and stop on people's faces. I'm not kidding. PABLUM, I say!

La Tanguerita March 27, 2009 at 8:49 AM  

Moldy candy it is. Seriuosly, Gwynnie and her holier-than-thou attitude make me lose my sense of humour. When GOOP just started I secretly hoped that the whole affair would vanish into irrelevance sooner or later. And now the Fug-girls are giving her attention and publicity she’s craving so bad. One can’t ridicule the delusional person. The best one can do is to ignore her in a hope that she would go away eventually.

The Pink Cowboy March 27, 2009 at 12:38 PM  

La Paltrow is sooooo boring. I watch a documentary on Spanish cuisine on PBS featuring the actress. She ruined it for me. She had the most obnoxious blassé attitude about the whole affair. She made a fantastic trip across Spain look like waiting in line to renew your driver's licence. She claimed she was fluent in Spanish. She butchered the language of Cervantes everyway she could. And she got paid for it! Indeed a GOOP!

namastenancy March 27, 2009 at 11:17 PM  

You are reading the blog of Gwyneth? Julie, sweetie, darling - we need to talk.