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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

One More Election Result Tonight

I am very proud to announce the members of my Tangobaby Administration 2012. Never will a country be governed by so many talented and clever people who also appreciate beauty tips and shoes! I have excerpted their fantastic resumes here so you can see how incredibly perfect these people are. Their original applications are here and here.

Presented for your enjoyment and in completely random order:

Madame julochka, Secretary of State and Chief of Campaign Buttons and Ephemera. Ms. julochka speaks several very important (and not at all minor) languages, has extensive experience with duty frees the world over and knows where the best deals to be had on perfumes and mascara and MAC cosmetics are--thereby saving the taxpayers' money. She once tried, and utterly failed, to become Miss South Dakota, which is extremely important in its own right! We now know how important being a beauty contest almost-winner is in capturing a certain segment of the population. Madame julochka is also "willing to be an ambassador to somewhere fun, like South Africa. Or the Philippines." So we will make her do some extra credit since she's already volunteered. Madame julochka singlehandedly introduced the entire country of Denmark to the importance of celebrating Halloween and has even been seen wearing long purple eyelashes lately. I also know that she hangs out with sailors so her swearing is probably better than mine. That could come in quite handy, too.

Madame red shoes, Secretary of Cultural Awesomeness and Secretary of Impressive Theatrical Lighting. Ms. red shoes got an A- in high school civics class, likes to read books (i.e., "real ones made of paper") and while she spends lots of time in the outdoors, she have never killed an animal for fun. She uses multisyllabic words and has traveled to other countries and gotten pissed (her own words) with the natives, which "is probably a better way to understand their national character than listening to their governments." Ms. red shoes would fight for education--especially in the areas of literacy, history, and the arts--for artistic diversity and for intelligent creative expression, which is nothing like intelligent design at all. She also happens to be a fantastic tango dancer, a huge plus for any competent administration, and is extremely photogenic, if I do say so myself. Ms. red shoes is currently finishing her education to become a world-class theatrical lighting designer, which will prove to be very important in lighting me properly for televised appearances, and also for when Cirque de Soleil performs at the White House.

Madame Kath, Secretary for the Procurement and Enjoyment of Wine. Madame Kath, our neighbor in Canada, will fulfill an extremely important position attained by sheer nepotism (that is, "we have a pre-existing friendship which does not entail testifying against each other at hearings"). In her own words: "This posting will be important to you because at some point, as leader, you are going to need a drink and a very good drink at that. I shall ensure that you have such drink readily available. I will support the wine industry world-wide so that the international world will not think that you are an uppity American who simply sips California Wines. My campaign button for you will read, 'drink, baby, drink!' "

Madame namastenancy, Secretary of the Arts and Secretary of Social Conscience. Madame namastenancy, a working artist for most of her life, totally understands the struggles of the underdog. She has attended many schools, art focused and otherwise so she has personal experience of the classroom and teachers that can teach and teachers that...can't. According to nancy: "You can't beat age and experience on this. I've traveled a lot as a kid (Navy brat) and as an adult; I did the backpack, 3rd class routine before a lot of people ever heard of the words. Heck, I probably invented the concept (see reference to age, experience)." She has visited museums from Tokyo to Bombay and all parts in between so her artistic vision is vast. She has taught art on a tight budget so she won't waste taxpayer money but also "believes in the power of the arts to inspire, motivate and heal." Namastenancy brings her years of 60s-era wise woman wisdom to the Tangobaby Administration!

Madame christina, Secretary of Delicious Foods, Especially Cheese, and Secretary of Beautiful Urban Photography and Writing and Secretary of Voter Relations. I cannot paraphrase Christina's experience better than she does herself: "I think I should be your official, cheese-monger (dealer and trader in delicious commodity). My qualifications speak for themselves: 1. I am from Wisconsin, the dairy state! I come from a wholesome, mid-Western, background. 2. I have eaten from a wheel of parmesan in Italy. I know where the best cheese can be found (foreign affairs covered). 3. I have fried cheese in olive oil for breakfast. (not afraid to take risk for the little guy/girl). 4. You can love cheese or hate it, I won't make decisions for you on what you should eat (common sense). 5. As for a campaign button: 'Cheese is the real m.f maverick!' " Also, Madame christina has provided wonderful wisdom about voting issues this year from her home in Wisconsin, so I am putting her in charge of revamping the voter registration system so we don't have any more problems with people being able to vote. I know I've given her two extra posts in addition to the one she applied for, but I also know she'll excel in all of them. She's that good.

Mr. red shoes, Intern Extraordinare. Mister red shoes, delightful partner and husband of Ms. red shoes (Secretary of Cultural Awesomeness) is "ready and willing to take on the dirty work of this administration [as my invaluable intern]. I possess all the tools and skills required for the position. Regardless of how much needs to be done, you will find me tireless and capable." Trust me, he will be the best intern in our nation's history. And he's cute.

Madame Amanda, Secretary of What-the-Fuck? Such a creative comment must speak from the appointee's own heart: "You see, every campaign (and presidency for that matter) needs someone out there observing, and taking the pulse of both the campaign and the community at large. I have a very real propensity for saying "what the fuck" when needed. If, for instance you chose to represent the middle class of America, and then someone suggested that you go spend $150,000 on clothes, I would stand up and shout, "WHAT THE FUCK, TANGOBABY?" And, for instance if you came back from war and wanted to divorce your spouse because he/she had experienced a major trauma and didn't look the same, again, I would shout "WHAT THE FUCK, TANGOBABY?" I am looking forward to having Amanda spice things up with her outbursts, but hopefully we won't have too many issues she'll need to worry about.

Madame n a n c y, Secretary of Geriatric Affairs. According to her bio, she is younger than Cloris and older than Cher. Formerly known as TangoSlut to her friends, she also answers to MedicareSlut. She is multilingual and well-traveled: Buenos Aires annually, China, India, Europe, Central America, yadda. She has also volunteered to be an "Attack Bitch" so she will serve a dual appointment in this administration.

Madame Brenda, Secretary of Menopausal Affairs. Madame Brenda would make sure all menopausal women get their allotment of chocolate and drugs for hot flashes. In her words, a sort of "Medicare" system solely for the woman over 50. She would also work in a secondary capacity patrolling for evil individuals who are cruel to animals and mete out their punishment, so I'll be sending her for a visit to the Governor's Mansion in Alaska as one of her official duties so she can take away the wolf-hunting helicopters.

Madame TheElementary, Secretary for the Care of Beautiful Gardens and Plants. As her resume explains: "In all the Agatha Christie books I have read, the gardener is always the most invisible, overlooked and forgotten character: yet is often the crucial element in the plot precisely because of that inconspicuous role. As a discreet gardener-figure who listens and observes I would be able to acquire much information that could assist you as President. In my schooldays I was permanently known as 'The Quiet One' to the extent that I tricked an old-lady nun teacher into thinking she had lost my term paper when in fact I had not written it, and I subsequently got the highest possible grade without doing any work. Once, at school, I was hit in the back with a glass bottle by a fellow- accidentally, as it was intended for somebody else- and, due to his thinking I was harmless and inconsequential, he laughed and turned away, whereupon I proceeded to smack him in the face and make a teenage boy cry real tears in front of the entire class. I frequently talk to plants and shrubs and flowers, have a functioning knowledge of green things, and would build a solid friendship with any foliage I am entrusted with." Also Madame TheElementary is from Ireland, and I'm guessing she has the most adorable accent ever, so I would have appointed her solely from the sound of her voice, but I'm glad she has all of these other qualifications, too.

Madame robin-bird, Secretary of Political Psychiatry/Recovery and Secretary of Incredibly Beautiful Nature Photography. Madame robin bird is an expert in stress management and weight management, so I get first dibs but I will share her with all of you. She has also offered to assist in the hospitalization of personality disordered opponents, which could be legion. She is also an amazing photographer of all things green and beautiful so I have appointed her this extra post to beautify the nation through her use of photography and soothing images.

Madame dutchbaby, Secretary of Incredibly Beautiful Floral Arrangements. Madame dutchbaby promises that the White House will always be fragrant with beautiful fresh flowers. She promises to always buy fair trade flowers and last, but not least, promises to make sure that anyone who annoys me will be ... composted (her words). She will work closely with n a n c y and Brenda on the "composting" issue. What more could I ask for? I am also putting Madame dutchbaby down as the Undersecretary to Madame christina, Official White House Cheesemonger, because dutchbaby knows a lot about aged Gouda and she makes a killer baked brie. She also taught me how to make broiled figs stuffed with goat cheese and wrapped in proscuitto, and just on the strength of that single recipe, she deserves a place of honor in my administration.

Honorary appointees:

Madame Paris Parfait, Ambassador to the UN and Secretary for the Aquisition of Delightful French Antiquities and Flea Market Finds. In her own words: "I still haven't found time to write up my CV to be UN ambassador. I will try to do that soon. (See that's one of the things about being a diplomat - you are endlessly busy, being diplomatic). And of course I have to break in my 1930s-look shoes, which were really for the Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe, but it rained and I couldn't wear them then. So now I must wear them tomorrow when I'm using my diplomatic skills in introducing an American guest to a French hairdresser." I am appointing Tara because she is brilliant and kind and I'm dying to see her shoes. And she looks great in hats, which I think will be important to our standing in World Affairs and regaining the respect of other world leaders. And if you don't already know about Madame Paris Parfait's excellence in the area of flea marketing, then you must check out her blog immediately.

Madame Elizabeth, Secretary of Leisure/Lazy People. I am not sure what this post will require yet. ("I was going to try to join your ticket but I was/am too lazy. Unless you need lazy people, then count me in.") Who knows? Maybe we do?


And now the moment you've all been waiting for!
My Vice-Presidential Pick/Candidate /Winner/Beauty Basket Recipient IS...


(drum roll)


(trumpet fanfare)


(Please pardon the fuzzy cameraphone image.)

Hooray!!!! Hooray!!!!

We will have a CANADIAN Vice President!

I don't know about you, but I think that is terribly exciting! What a development in world affairs! We need some good Canadians around to knock some sense back into us! Plus, I am almost 100% positive that Kath can see Alaska from her house and I'll make Kath promise to ensure Palin stays in Alaska from now on.

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Thank you to all for encouraging and supporting my sanity and the democratic process. You are all winners to me.


ps.: Dear VP Kath, please be sure to email me your mailing address so that I can send you your Vice Presidential beauty basket. xoxo!


namastenancy November 4, 2008 at 9:45 PM  

I humbly accept a position in your administration and hope to serve you (and your adoring public) to the best of my ability. To quote our soon-to-be- president YES WE CAN!
He gave the speech of a lifetime so I can't possibly top that.

P November 4, 2008 at 9:50 PM  


julochka November 4, 2008 at 10:01 PM  

so pleased to be part of your administration!!! LOVE that you have a canadian VP--and for me, it was all about the campaign buttons anyway! plus, i bought 3 pairs of fabulous eyelashes yesterday. :-)

i can't wait to see what our NEW PRESIDENT will do!!! and i'm so thankful that none of us will ever have to write about SP ever again. :-)


Vanessa November 4, 2008 at 11:24 PM  


I proudly say this, and I am not even American.

Amanda November 5, 2008 at 4:21 AM  

Hip Hip Hooray! Can't wait to get started! We might need to push our campaign back to 2016 to give President Obama enough time to get all of his work done.

A Cuban In London November 5, 2008 at 4:32 AM  

Congrats on this historical election. I have a little present for your Margaret Atwood lover. Pop by my blog to read it.

Greetings from London.

Kath November 5, 2008 at 4:46 AM  

I shall write my acceptance speech or rather, my able assistant BB shall write it for me as I have to go to work now. I came over this morning to say congratulations to you Julie, your passion during this election fueled mine. This was unexpected. I cannot see Alaska, but I have some wacky friends in the Yukon we can recruit to keep Ms. Palin at bay! I think one of them has a helicopter.
Much love

Christina November 5, 2008 at 7:23 AM  

Congrats Kath! If you are going to promise to keep Palin in Alaska, you are the right choice. : )

I'm honored to be in such great company.

We did it! Yay!

Yoli November 5, 2008 at 1:49 PM  

Oh how I wish I had a position in your cabinet! I will alas just admire it from afar, might as well since I look like Palin.

dutchbaby November 5, 2008 at 3:18 PM  

I am humbled to be in such esteemed company. I am looking forward to working with Christina, Brenda, and Nancy. And I forgot to respond to your request a few posts ago, I'm thrilled to be your Chief of Calligraphy.

Mtnhighmama November 10, 2008 at 9:17 PM  

Can I be, like, a runner up or something? I so wanted to post, but was busy in nausea-growing-babies land to get it together! isn't there like an honorary something?