Cruel and Exceptionally Unusual Punishment

Before I get started, I have to ask you two questions:

1. Can you give someone up for adoption who is not related to you?

2. How do you try to forget a horrible song that's on infernal eternal loop in your head? What if there are two songs, equally heinous, alternating tracks and you can't stop them? (And a round of cocktails is not an option because it's 8:36am and I just got to work.)

***

Note: If you like Janis Ian or the musical Annie, you shouldn't read any further.

I know a lot of you really enjoy stories about The Boy. I am thinking of sending him to live with some of you on an alternating basis, kind of like some worldwide joint custody agreement.

We both have random bouts of insomnia, but the nice part is that we have it at different times of the night so we don't conflict and have to share the DVD player. But this morning The Boy had an early morning bout and was watching the first episode of SNL when I rolled out of bed.

He asks, "Hey, have you ever heard of Janis Ian?"

Of course I have. Janis Ian made me totally depressed about the idea of being seventeen many years before I was even a teenager. The only two songs I can recall my parents playing on the hi-fi set in the family room were "At Seventeen" and "Hey Nineteen" by Steely Dan (I just realized that's some sort of very weird coincidence... dumb songs about teenage girls... hmmm.)

I learned the truth at seventeen That love was meant for beauty queens And high school girls with clear skinned smiles Who married young and then retired

and

The Cuervo Gold The fine Columbian Make tonight a wonderful thing

There you have it. My musical childhood.

***

So The Boy starts singing "At Seventeen." Honestly, it's not just me. That has to be one of the worst songs ever written, right? Gads. And because I'm overly sensitized to it, I immediately get hooked on it in my mind. There's a deep groove in my brain where this song is lodged. I can even sing all of the lyrics back to him instantly and he's got this look of semi-admiration.

To punish him for sticking that song in my head before my eyes were properly open, I started singing "Tomorrow," from Annie, which is probably something that they used at Guantanamo Bay as a form of behaviour modification. And to my dismay, he's never seen Annie and doesn't know the song. He is immune to Annie. Cripes.

So now I am stuck on "At Seventeen" and "Tomorrow" playing on dual tracks. Mentally, it's the equivalent of stubbing your toe really hard on a big piece of furniture and then you got so mad you kicked the furniture with your other foot.

Please help me. I don't know what else to sing. And who wants dibs on The Boy's first visit?

UPDATE 10:02am: dutchbaby is mean. Funny, but mean. She just emailed me the lyrics to "It's a Small World." How can friends do that to each other? *Edvard Munch face screaming inside*