Makeup Artists Should Unite to Help John McCain Help Himself and the Economy

I really don't know how I missed this story, truly. I'm starting to feel like The Onion is somehow getting its joke news stories leaked to the AP and then they're getting printed as somewhat actual news.

According to an article in US Weekly (not a place where I usually look to for news of note, but it works while in the nail salon):

"The 72-year-old was recently made TV-ready by makeup artist Tifanie White who's worked on So You Think You Can Dance and American Idol.

McCain paid the 2002 beauty-school grad $5,583.43 for her services, according to the Federal Election Commission."

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Okay, I'm a beauty school grad, too (really, I am not making this up), and I would not have charged him five grand for a makeover. Hell, he's not even a bride! Although I wonder why he did not hire someone from Stan Winston Studios because doing makeup on someone who is almost dead requires a completely different type of artistry than bridal makeup.

(Actually, I just decided that I would have charged him five thousand dollars plus!!!, and then would have donated the money to something useful, like this or this or this--look, Obama's doing it.)

On second thought, maybe this gal is an Obama supporter and she's giving McCain the shaft since he has 8 homes--you must watch this awesome video of his houses!--, 13 cars and can obviously afford a $5K makeover. She must be really talented because I'm sure she had to do some special effects makeup on this guy to wipe that frozen creepy grimace off his face.

Unretouched skin under bright lights is unappealing and cameras do distort the features and add weight (look at what happened to Nixon in his debate with Kennedy...oh wait! We're reliving that now! Maybe McCain hasn't found makeup that will stand up to the intense facial sweating he might undergo if he actually has to proceed in a debate with Obama and try to put two sentences together in a row that aren't vengeful or blameful or basically false). Or maybe it's because McCain has a habit of canceling debates, like he did in another election year?

John Edward's haircut is looking like quite a bargain now, isn't it? (Funny thing though. I guess assorted GOP operatives labeling Edwards the "Breck girl"; Ann Coulter calling him a "faggot"; and Rush Limbaugh asking whether Edwards might be our "first female President"--those comments only apply when the Republicans are talking about the Democrats! Oh, I get it. It's okay to get your makeup done if you're a War Hero.)

Because I know that the Republican candidate isn't too savvy with computers by his own admission (or the economy either, but I can't help him with that one), I invite John McCain's future makeup artists to read a post I wrote that is great for people looking for cosmetics but happen to be on a budget. (Or Cindy, maybe you can print this out for your husband so he can read it on the No Talk Express bus.)

Perhaps he can save that $5K and spend it on something more useful, like universal healthcare. We're socializing Wall Street, so why not get some yearly checkups thrown into the bargain?

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The only miracle makeup artists cannot perform is painting a brain on Sarah Palin.

I am relishing this transcript of her interview with Katie Couric. I was on the debate team in 8th grade and even I could have done a better job as a 12-year-old in the interview (here I go again, being an elitist).

Let's face it: if you're going to make sh*t up and speak it as the truth in front of the whole world, you'd damn well better practice your story to perfection so you've got it down pat when someone calls you on it.

COURIC: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land-- boundary that we have with-- Canada. It-- it's funny that a comment like that was-- kind of made to-- cari-- I don't know, you know? Reporters--

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our-- our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia--

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We-- we do-- it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where-- where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is-- from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to-- to our state.

UPDATE: HOLY SH*T! Please tell me you watched the Palin interview. Here's the link again if you have not. I can't say too much more without my head exploding. Please watch this so I am not alone in my utter disbelief that this is not a SNL skit.