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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Makeup Artists Should Unite to Help John McCain Help Himself and the Economy

I really don't know how I missed this story, truly. I'm starting to feel like The Onion is somehow getting its joke news stories leaked to the AP and then they're getting printed as somewhat actual news.

According to an article in US Weekly (not a place where I usually look to for news of note, but it works while in the nail salon):

"The 72-year-old was recently made TV-ready by makeup artist Tifanie White who's worked on So You Think You Can Dance and American Idol.

McCain paid the 2002 beauty-school grad $5,583.43 for her services, according to the Federal Election Commission."

***

Okay, I'm a beauty school grad, too (really, I am not making this up), and I would not have charged him five grand for a makeover. Hell, he's not even a bride! Although I wonder why he did not hire someone from Stan Winston Studios because doing makeup on someone who is almost dead requires a completely different type of artistry than bridal makeup.

(Actually, I just decided that I would have charged him five thousand dollars plus!!!, and then would have donated the money to something useful, like this or this or this--look, Obama's doing it.)

On second thought, maybe this gal is an Obama supporter and she's giving McCain the shaft since he has 8 homes--you must watch this awesome video of his houses!--, 13 cars and can obviously afford a $5K makeover. She must be really talented because I'm sure she had to do some special effects makeup on this guy to wipe that frozen creepy grimace off his face.

Unretouched skin under bright lights is unappealing and cameras do distort the features and add weight (look at what happened to Nixon in his debate with Kennedy...oh wait! We're reliving that now! Maybe McCain hasn't found makeup that will stand up to the intense facial sweating he might undergo if he actually has to proceed in a debate with Obama and try to put two sentences together in a row that aren't vengeful or blameful or basically false). Or maybe it's because McCain has a habit of canceling debates, like he did in another election year?

John Edward's haircut is looking like quite a bargain now, isn't it? (Funny thing though. I guess assorted GOP operatives labeling Edwards the "Breck girl"; Ann Coulter calling him a "faggot"; and Rush Limbaugh asking whether Edwards might be our "first female President"--those comments only apply when the Republicans are talking about the Democrats! Oh, I get it. It's okay to get your makeup done if you're a War Hero.)

Because I know that the Republican candidate isn't too savvy with computers by his own admission (or the economy either, but I can't help him with that one), I invite John McCain's future makeup artists to read a post I wrote that is great for people looking for cosmetics but happen to be on a budget. (Or Cindy, maybe you can print this out for your husband so he can read it on the No Talk Express bus.)

Perhaps he can save that $5K and spend it on something more useful, like universal healthcare. We're socializing Wall Street, so why not get some yearly checkups thrown into the bargain?

***

The only miracle makeup artists cannot perform is painting a brain on Sarah Palin.

I am relishing this transcript of her interview with Katie Couric. I was on the debate team in 8th grade and even I could have done a better job as a 12-year-old in the interview (here I go again, being an elitist).

Let's face it: if you're going to make sh*t up and speak it as the truth in front of the whole world, you'd damn well better practice your story to perfection so you've got it down pat when someone calls you on it.

COURIC: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land-- boundary that we have with-- Canada. It-- it's funny that a comment like that was-- kind of made to-- cari-- I don't know, you know? Reporters--

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our-- our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia--

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We-- we do-- it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where-- where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is-- from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to-- to our state.

UPDATE: HOLY SH*T! Please tell me you watched the Palin interview. Here's the link again if you have not. I can't say too much more without my head exploding. Please watch this so I am not alone in my utter disbelief that this is not a SNL skit.

19 comments:

P September 25, 2008 at 2:49 PM  

THIS WOMAN IS AN IDIOT! I can't stand it! GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Carol September 25, 2008 at 2:52 PM  

Some of your comments about McCain made me laugh out loud :-)

As for Sarah Palin... OH... MY...GOD She is just so unqualified and uneducated.

miss tango September 25, 2008 at 2:58 PM  

Does Breck still exsist? I loved the smell as a kid.

Christina September 25, 2008 at 3:39 PM  

LOL! You are too much and I love it!!! Wow, they should of let me do his makeup!

Now you know when my 12 year old daughter say's that Palin is "not a seasoned politician" it's bad.

WOW!

willow September 25, 2008 at 4:14 PM  

$5,583.43 for a one time makeup job?! Sheesh.

namastenancy September 25, 2008 at 9:32 PM  

Palin - oh lord. Oh lord. She give me the willies just to think about all the support that she's got. What does it say about how so many want "their" women to be? Dumb, dumb and dumber. She give new dimensions to the word "bimbo."
As far as McCain goes - again, I absolutely cannot understand why - in these horrible times, he has any support. OR why the Democrats aren't fighting back the slanders of the right. I know that they want to be better than their opponents but if you say nothing or take the high road, these retards think that they have won.
And they can't. They just can't.

b September 25, 2008 at 11:19 PM  

http://www.comedy.com/blog/2008/09/25/sarah-silverman-tells-jews-to-make-the-great-schlep-for-obama-in-her-new-video/

My Castle in Spain September 26, 2008 at 1:27 AM  

er..5000 dollars ? absolutely ridiculous !
I've just watched the interview with Sarah P. Honestly, you don't know whether to cry or to laugh !
We're reaching degree zero of culture here...

Limerick Tango September 26, 2008 at 3:53 AM  

And what, Canada isn't a foreign country?

Limerick Tango September 26, 2008 at 4:47 AM  

On another note, Bertie Ahern, the previous Irish Taoiseach, spent €30,000 annually on make-up (paid for by the Office of An Taoiseach). A friend of mine had a photo shoot with him once and he was wondering who the Oompa Loompa was.

Kath September 26, 2008 at 9:33 AM  

"Our next door neighbours are foreign countries".
Haha
I wonder if she knows the name of the Province and the Territory that borders her land.

xo
Kath up here in furren keanada

Anonymous September 26, 2008 at 10:07 AM  

palin makes me literally sick to my stomache! she has me shakin in my boots to realize that she could "possibly" lead this country!

for all the our grandmothers and mothers have fought for, for as far as we have come....to think that a woman of such stupidity could come and change it all.

she is mutton dressed as lamb!
she sounds like an uneducated loon, she can't speak well and her silly accent is killing me. she is starting to shrink on interviews and one can see her confidence is waning.

mc cain is just plain nasty!

satori17@yahoo.com

Bill Stankus September 26, 2008 at 1:09 PM  

Think of it this way- VP Palin will confuse the hell out of everyone she talks with. Imagine her in negotiations with the French or Turks -

And terrorist will love her because she's good at killing things. Cheney only winged a lawyer and that's not the same as a pile of dead wolves, moose and polar bears.

Contrary to rumors McCain is not that old - Lincoln was not president when he was born - FDR was (1936). So there.

tangobaby September 26, 2008 at 2:14 PM  

You guys rock. Don't you feel like things just can't get any more disturbing, but then it's just like Scarlett O'Hara says: "Tomorrow is another day!"

And lo and behold, the circus is never ending.

***

Hi p,

It's really mindblowing, isn't it? I would hold your hand and we could run screaming through the streets together. But let's wait till it gets worse.

Hi carol,

I'm glad you're laughing. We're laughing through our tears over here.

Watching Palin isn't really too much worse than watching Bush. I think I'm becoming immune to idiots. I see that as a very positive development--except for the part where I am totally trying to kid myself.

Hi miss tango,

I don't know about Breck. You should write to John Edward. He's sitting home now, like the total loser he is. And I can say that because I am not a Republican.

Hi christina,

I bet you'd like to do his makeup. You'd get out your Wet and Wild, wouldn't you? heh heh.

Tell your daughter that we want to vote for her someday because she's already smarter than both people on the Republican ticket.

Hi willow,

Like I said, special effects makeup takes a lot of talent to pull of well. She might have had to make a rubber mask and airbrush it, or have done something with robotics.

Hi namastenancy,

The more I see of her (actually both of them really), the more I think I live in an entirely different country than a lot of other people.

I hear ya.

Hi b,

I saw that yesterday on HuffPo and laughed my ass off. If I had grandparents in Florida, I would totally do this. The part about the track suits and the bling just about killed me.

Aside from her little stint in The Aristocrats, this is Sarah's best stuff. And it's TRUE!

Hi lala,

We are laughing and crying, sometimes one at a time and sometimes together. Please tell me that in Spain things are much better!

Hi Limerick,

We're talking about someone who can see Russia from her house here. Never underestimate the power of a simpleton.

€30,000? That's about the same as $6 million US dollars right now? How hard is it to expatriate to Ireland? Are they still looking for makeup artists? I work cheap and fast. I could do the whole Parliament for next to nothing.

ps. I went to an event at the Playboy Mansion once and all of the Bunnies looked like Oompa Loompas, too, because of all of the fake tanner and bronzer. Except they all had gigantic melons, too. Which were also fake but not very Oompa Loompa-ish. Wild.

Hi "Kath up here in furren keanada!"

Can I say how much your comment just cracked me up today! God, I loved it. Can't you get a Mountie to go up there and take care of things for us?

Hi satori17,

Don't get a stomache ache over her yet. You have to stay strong, just in case. It won't do any good for all of us who actually can look at a map or own a passport to go all to pieces now.

Hi bill,

Can't we just send her over to Iraq and have her shoot the bad guys from a helicopter? Then she wouldn't have to worry about debates or Katie Couric and then we could bring our troops home sooner.

She could take over the surge for us.

Also, she did get a passport last year, so she's totally ready to go. There are these great lipstains you can buy now that won't melt in the hot desert sun, so she won't even have to worry about lipstick.

As for McCain, you can't trick me. He looks like a cross between Boris Karloff in The Mummy and Mr. Potato Head. Only old people can achieve a look like that.

katie September 26, 2008 at 10:08 PM  

Right. 5k to foof some Studio Fix on his face. Man, it pays to know people in LA, doesn't it?

paris parfait September 27, 2008 at 6:17 AM  

Ha ha! Way to go, TB! "Almost dead." Yes, all the makeup can't help. Yes, Palin is clueless. We knew that. Every time she opens her mouth, she proves it more. xo

Limerick Tango September 27, 2008 at 2:57 PM  

I grew up two hours from an armed border, you don't see me claiming foreign policy experience.

I'd stay where you are. We are now officially in recession and the newsreaders have stopped wearing their Newbridge silver jewelery. Though you are more than welcome to come.

julochka September 29, 2008 at 6:53 AM  

oh my goodness, what a lot i have missed in a couple of weeks of traveling! thank you for the lovely (and only slighting ranting) catch-up!!! :-) loved all the links!

Xander September 30, 2008 at 10:03 PM  

I can't get enough of that Couric interview. My favorite part was in another section, where she couldn't name a specific instance of McCain trying to push for more finance regulation, and actually told Katie she'd have to get back to her. I would, however, be laughing so much harder, if only the poll numbers were a little better. Yikes... -X