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Friday, January 9, 2009

The Gift

I think this is a good omen for the Staycation. It may even be a good omen for the new year, who can say.

When I got home last night this mysterious box was waiting for me on my desk.

But before I can tell you what was in the box, I have to tell you another story.


Once upon a time, in one of my other incarnations, I was the 1-800 skin care expert for a small natural skin care company. I was the person that you would speak to if you bought our products, used them unwisely or without reading the packaging, and then called the 1-800 number to complain.

(BTW, we had very nice products. The company no longer exists in its present form and was bought out by a much bigger company and everyone lost their jobs. But what I did learn was that 1. people are silly and have greatly exaggerated dreams of what a jar of face cream can do for them, 2. people don't read labels or instructions, and 3. when I say "people" in this instance, I mean women.)

Anyway, this is only part of the story. Because we were such a small company, when I was not on the phone with customers, it was part of my job to help figure out marketing angles for our products. The boss really wanted to get us written up in InStyle Magazine and other beauty mags (and to my credit, I once got us a mention in Harper's Bazaar by pulling a very large string from my days in the cosmetics world).

But more than anything else, the boss really really wanted us to get our products in those Oscar bags. You know, the bags full of shwag. Bags loaded with expensive skin care and fancy cell phones and jewelry, the bags they give to the presenters at the Oscars. Like Gwyneth Paltrow really needs your product. Or gives two hoots about it.

Anyway, we never did get our products into an Oscar bag. The closest we ever got was that a supposedly fancy shmancy salon in Beverly Hills stocked one of our facial masks for a while, but that's it.

The purpose of this post, however, is not to go on about the inner world of the skin care business. It's to tell you that I got my first piece of shwag. And unlike Gwyneth Paltrow, I'm going to keep my shwag and not give it to my personal trainer who will then give it to her assistant who will then sell it on eBay.


My schwag comes in the form of a jar. A jar... some of you might be savvy enough to guess what it is... are you guessing?... of Baconnaise!


One of the nice things that happens from time to time when you have a blog, besides the other nice things you might already know about (friends, connection, creative expression), is that you will get a random email from someone who found your blog because it mentioned them in a helpful way.

Which is why I got a very nice email from Dave, the self-described Bacontrepreneur of Baconsalt.com. When he offered me my very own jar of Baconnaise to try, of course I jumped up and down and was very excited about it. (In hindsight, I should have asked him for some food to go with the Baconnaise, because we have none and now I have to go to the store and get something to put the Baconnaise on, but that's entirely my fault and the way things roll in Casa Tangobaby and is not really his concern.)


For those of you who still are not quite sure what I'm talking about or don't remember reading my post about Baconnaise, let me tell you that Baconnaise a spread, thick like mayonnaise and smells like heavenly, delicious bacon. Ostensibly the idea is that you can put Baconnaise on sandwiches, burgers, etc., but I can see where I'd be sampling it out of the jar straight and also dipping vegetables I don't normally eat into it because it would even make celery taste good.

Despite the lack of things in the fridge to put my Baconnaise on, I found some Triscuits and did a taste test. And the findings? YUM!

YUM, like in:

1. I'm definitely going to the grocery store asap with the sole intent of procuring foodstuffs that I can put my Baconnaise on;
2. If I was a NASCAR, I would be the Baconnaise Car.
3. If Baconnaise was skin care, I would put it all over my body as a moisturizer because it's THAT GOOD, even though it doesn't say to do that on the label.

So, in conclusion, if I were you and I really liked bacon, I'd get a jar of Baconnaise, either by visiting their website or asking your local market to get some for you. And tell them tangobaby sent you. ;-)

And Dave, thank you for my treat/shwag. I promise to get some sandwich fixins asap and make a proper Baconnaise sandwich! I was just too excited to wait....


ps.: This is probably old news to some, but have you seen Gwyneth Paltrow's blog? "I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities...and sometimes friends need help finding a sink that looks midcentury." (You know I don't make this shit up.) This makes me dislike her even more than I already do, which I did not think was possible. Gwyneth, honey, leave the blogging to the little people, and you just go back to ironing your hair and making sure Madonna's okay.

pss.: I think I have scientifically proven that there is a Bacon Loving Gene (BLG). Very recently my niece, Little Curly Girl (LCG), was asked by her mother what her most favorite thing was in the whole, wide world. Being only 2.5 years old, of course she did not say her new baby sister, Princess Chubness. She answered "pudding." But when asked if there was anything she loved even more than pudding, LCG gave it some serious thought, and then said "Yes, bacon." So even though LCG is not a child that sprang from directly from my loins, we are related by blood and therefore I think I have proven the existence of the BLG. I am going to get LCG her own jar of Baconnaise to further my scientific research.


Just Jules January 9, 2009 at 6:52 AM  

I needed that laugh. I truly did not see the baconnaise coming out of the box! SO Funny. Sounds like sandwiches for lunch!

Unknown January 9, 2009 at 6:52 AM  

Hahahaha! I love everything about this post! Although, I probably won't try Baconaise. Mr. Darling would probably like it, though.

Brook January 9, 2009 at 7:09 AM  

I knew it would be delicious. Hmm, now to set aside a little grocery money for some mail-order crack!
P.S. I agree with the GP stuff, also Martha Stewart, what rarified air do these people breath that makes them think they know how the little people live(and though I am exceptionally short I am not refering to people with genetic or developmental height issues)! Gah, come to my house-without all your support personnel or checkbook, and no three calls to a friend-for a week or three and then maybe we can talk.

will January 9, 2009 at 7:13 AM  

Egad! Gwyneth has a blog?

I went there, read the first page, and left the following comment: "This site is a joke,right?" Doubt it will clear her moderator.

Dutchbaby January 9, 2009 at 7:16 AM  

I love, love, love bacon! Does that mean we share some genetic material? I hope so.

Fancy Food Show is this month; I bet Dave will be there. If you're not going, I'll give him a shout-out for you.

Mari January 9, 2009 at 7:17 AM  

Oh my, I had never heard of baconnaise. Got to check that out, and the Gwyneth blog, lol!
My daughter went through a phase from 3-5 where bacon was her favorite food, of course, she also was obsessed with dinosaurs, and since she was a carnivorous dinosaur, what else could she have possibly eaten?

Relyn Lawson January 9, 2009 at 7:43 AM  

Loving this hilarious post. I wanna get me some schwag!!!! Joining you in the Gwyneth loathe-fest. What's up with her Oscar??? That was the last year I ever watched. Give me a break!

Teri and her Stylish Cats ~ Coco the Couture Cat, FurryDance Brighton, and Disco NoFurNo January 9, 2009 at 7:52 AM  

I too love bacon, never knew about Baconnaise, giggled at your search for something in your house to spread it on and as a beauty product, teehee...pets and humans alike would be licking you...and more giggles about your slant on GP, too

Love your blog (and bacon)

Teri and the cats of Furrydance

Char January 9, 2009 at 8:00 AM  

:) there was so much bloggy goodness wrapped up in this one I'm not quite sure where to start. again, I'm not quite on the baconnaise train but you intrigue me.

I used to have a friend that worked for someone that dated someone that was a music producer - they got leftover swag all the time. Of course by the time it trickled down to him, it was the really crappy leftovers.

Sarah January 9, 2009 at 8:05 AM  

Funny little story for you--- When my son was diagnosed with leukemia last December, he had to gain weight. At the time, Cole was sickly skin and bones and just emaciated. He had lost so much weight, so drastically fast that they needed to do something, ANYTHING, to get weight on his tiny 8 year old body so it could withstand the treatment. Anyhow, I tried everything. I added sugar to things, extra butter to all his meals, fed him junk, whole milk, Carnation Instant Breakfast protein powder in practically everything, along with two million other things----nothing worked. I was at my wits end and the nutritionist and doctors were very concerned. I thought and thought....what could I do? And finally it came to me (having grown up on a country farm)---- BACON! From then on, my son ate bacon every day a couple of times a day. Lucky for me, he had always loved it, but I limited him, because of the high fat content. Well anyway, in a month he gained nearly three pounds! It was enough for him to eventually climb to a healthy weight, and he is now doing wonderfully. The cure all though----bacon. :) And to this day, if I mention it, he says "Mom, remember the bacon diet? And he smiles..."

Have a great day!

d smith kaich jones January 9, 2009 at 8:19 AM  

Oh God. This just made me laugh & laugh! A post full of schwag for all of us lucky readers - Baconnaise, hilarious remarks from Gwyneth Paltrow, and news of LCG. LOVED this! I am now on my way to drop in to Gwyneth's - I gotta see it with my own eyes!

:) Debi

Huff Daddy January 9, 2009 at 8:40 AM  

Brook sent me here and I'm glad she did! I will be ordering both some bacon salt and some baconnaise. I LOVE bacon. Bacon, bacon, bacon.

I think this sounds sounds awesome, but I can't get anybody to try it with me. Will just have to be brave on my own I guess.

Yoli January 9, 2009 at 8:40 AM  

Yes finding a sink is such a dilema...zzzzz. Gwen you are so disconnected from life.

I love your love and delight at Baconnaise!

vsm/whirling dirvish photography January 9, 2009 at 9:09 AM  

Still not lovin' the baconnaise... but maybe, just maybe, I'll let the curiosity take over...

ps. love the Gwenie comment

Gabby January 9, 2009 at 9:12 AM  

Oh, my. Just the use of the expression "fancy shmancy" puts you atop the mountaintop of my favorite peeps. No I personally think Baconnaise! belongs atop an "everything" bagel or bialy. And why wouldn't a touch behind the ear make for an irresistable pheromone? Anyone who has kissed Gweneth will never enjoy the Baconnaise promised land of my gabby lips. Period.

Kath January 9, 2009 at 9:32 AM  

baconnaise! sounds like heaven to me, I'm already creating big dagwood type sandwiches in my head ... the potential is awesome!

Silliyak January 9, 2009 at 10:46 AM  

Sarah, I think this opening should win some sort of award.."Funny little story for you--- When my son was diagnosed with leukemia last December..."

Greg January 9, 2009 at 11:13 AM  

I'd heard of the salt but not the spread. it looks interesting...it'd make for a different kind of tuna fish sandwich!

as for gwyneth...whenever she's on TV or online trying to sound deep and profound she sounds even sillier than usual.

julochka January 9, 2009 at 11:16 AM  

i believe the bacon gene is directly related to the avocado gene. yummy. my sister is coming next week, i must ask her to bring some of this bacontacular stuff...

~DokterKenny January 9, 2009 at 11:56 AM  

Yes, but is it good enough to include in a sexual act? That is the ultimate litmus test of yum! :-)

I am surprised that when God gave the Hebrews manna it wasn't covered in baconnaise..(or maybe it was!)

Cynthia Pittmann January 9, 2009 at 12:36 PM  

Funny desire! You have plenty of staycation to indulge! I'm so out of it here in PR that I don't know what Gwynenth is all about...and how she got on your last nerve. (See I'm dated!)

Elizabeth January 9, 2009 at 12:52 PM  

I think I need Baconnaise!
It sounds heavenly.

Alessandra Cave January 9, 2009 at 2:35 PM  

oh my honey, i hope you're not seriously considering the baconnaise! If mayo wasn't gross enough? You crack me up, girlie! I had a great time last night! :)

sars! January 9, 2009 at 3:30 PM  

First let me say how much I enjoy your blog. You inspire me to make mine better and write more often about everything and nothing at all... and isn't that how it should be?? Second I will be hunting down a jar (or ten) of baconaise for myself because my motto in life is everything's better with bacon (or butter, or beer)

Thanks again! :o)

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted January 9, 2009 at 6:22 PM  

I'm going to have to tell my husband about this new bacon goodness. He will be in love!

robin laws January 9, 2009 at 8:36 PM  

you are.....i just go blank at this point and shake my head.. you do make me laugh. definitely. i cringe at the baconaise but then it's you promoting it and i can't let that slide. i might need to try it. but more importantly i must crate a list of things to blog about that i want. i want them sent in a box to my personal address with no bill attached. free baconaise. wow girl you are gaining in star status every single day!!

Kat&Corie January 10, 2009 at 7:06 PM  

loved the baconaise part. i'll be featuring it on my blog soon, and i'll be sure to link back to you. thanks for the idea!

Chipmonkey January 11, 2009 at 11:18 AM  

This reminds me of the amazing bacon doughnut they make in Portland. The existence of this doughnut makes me want to move to Portland and drop the vegetarianism (http://flickr.com/photos/ryanmft/2553778085/). I also remember finding a bacon salt sticker in Seattle (http://flickr.com/photos/chipmonkey/2565885119/) and thought it was the coolest idea ever. If there were ever a meat I'd break my dietary habits for, it is you sweet bacon.

Nancy Ewart January 11, 2009 at 3:28 PM  

TangoBaby - you get a 10 on this post. I laughed over your description of the swag, smiled over what people expect a face cream to do (what! It won't make me look like a 20-year old Elizabeth Taylor), drooled over the Baconnaise because if it can make celery taste good it must be awesome and howled at the Gwyneth blog link. Those people are so unreal that they are almost living proof that aliens are among us. PBS ran a pretty dreadful road show for foodies with Mario Batali (charming) and Mark Bitterman (crank) driving around Spain in the company of Gwyneth and a lovely Spanish actress. The sight of two middle aged and homely men salivating over two young actresses was disgusting. Even Batali's vivacious and charm couldn't redeam the show and Gwyneth proved to be as vacuous as I always suspected her to be

Anonymous January 11, 2009 at 7:12 PM  

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ModernTanguera January 12, 2009 at 5:09 PM  

I just saw this and thought of you:

Enjoy! :)

meghan January 14, 2009 at 4:54 PM  

Not only does Gwyneth have a blog, but she also has weekly monosyllabic e-mails (think: MAKE, GET, DO, BE). I'm so glad others find this as horrifying as I do. :)

Silliyak January 15, 2009 at 12:59 PM  

Then there is this,