Dear Mr. Larson,
I would like to introduce myself as a consideration for a position of makeup artist with the McCain-Palin campaign. I hope this letter will impress you with my qualifications and my ability to transcend politics in order to help put a more attractive face on your campaign, which seems to have been erupting with certain "blemishes" lately (beauty pun intended!).
I hope you don't mind, but I got your name from the RNC's Schedule F that lists you as the recent purchaser/stylist for Sarah Palin, which seems to have been causing a bit of a flap lately due to the amount of money spent on her clothes, and now her makeup, too. (If you don't mind some friendly unsolicited advice, you should really consider Loehmann's next time for some deep discounts on designer women's clothing...just a little helpful tip there!) And you might want to take a tip from the competition, because it looks like the Obama's are getting a lot of their clothes off the rack (The Gap, White House/Black Market, H&M)... just an fyi.
Anyhow, I can't help noticing that the McCain-Palin ticket has been, quite frankly, overpaying for their makeup application services. Granted, Palin has been sporting some pretty heavy blush lately (which I see as a big no-no and is making her look very 80s) but extra product alone shouldn't raise the cost of services. Blush is fairly inexpensive. $13,200 is really a lot of money to pay for makeup application in a month's time.
I am writing to you because I think I could do a superior job for a fraction of the price. My cost-saving methods will help improve your standing with the "liberal" media and also help me earn some extra money this year, since the situation with the economy may prevent my employer from giving me a raise. I understand that some GOP donors want their money back after this little brouhaha with the clothes and perhaps if they know that you're more receptive to spending in a budget-conscious fashion, they won't be so upset with you.
Before I continue with any further advice, let me make you aware of my qualifications for this very important position in the campaign:
1. I have a Bachelor's of Science in Industrial Technology and a minor in English from a major California university. Granted, I did not go to five different schools before obtaining my degree or graduate at almost the bottom of my class, but bear with me. When studying for my degree in Industrial Technology, I was only one of two girls in my entire major. So I know what it is to have to prove yourself in front of a lot of guys. However, I didn't rely on my looks to get ahead. I did it by getting better grades than anyone else.
For the record, I do not know how to kill and dress a moose, but in school I did learn how to run a printing press, do some fabrication with sheet metal, and use a lathe. So this way, I figure Sarah might relate to me because I too can compete in a man's world, and also provide some reassurance to any Joe the Plumbers you might have hanging around who might need their noses powdered before those impromptu "questions" with Barack Obama. And because I'm fairly familiar with the duties of the Vice President, I'd be happy to do some light quizzing or maybe even flash cards to help Sarah prep just in case any more third graders are going to ask what she might do as VP.
But what does this have to do with being a makeup artist, you might ask? Please let me elaborate.
2. I also have an esthetician's license from a state accredited school, which I got after my college degree. This means that not only can I do Sarah's makeup (although you don't need a license to do makeup), but I can also wax her upper lip, to prevent another unfair representation, like when Newsweek did not Photoshop out Palin's facial hair and wrinkles. (I am also a great brow shaper.) So you would not have to hire a separate person for her lip wax.
3. As a makeup artist, I have learned from the best. Laura Mercier herself. Now I know what you're going to say--that she's elitist, she's French, she lives in New York and she's friends with Madonna. Yes, that is all true. But she is also one of the best makeup artists on the planet and my technique come from her enlightened tutelage. Also, I learned a lot from Matin Maulawizada, another extremely gifted and charming makeup artist, who is also now the celebrity makeup artist for Neutrogena. He taught me some amazing tricks, like how to mix bright orange lipstick with concealer to disguise discolorations under the eyes. This trick is amazing for people of color (African American, Southest Asian/Indian) who have dark circles under their eyes and can't find a good undereye concealer.
I realize that you don't seem to have any people of color associated with your campaign, but maybe you'll pick up a token ethnic person along the way in the next few days, who also happens to have bags under his/her eyes, and then I can really do some magic there.
4. I am not snobbish about brands, which is how I can also help you save money and make you a winner with the "real" American ladies who wear makeup, too. For example, even though I have the spendy Shu Uemura eyelash applicator, some of my favorite makeup brushes come from Costco. Seriously! They have some really fantastic brush sets. And since Sarah really is fond of blush, then I can suggest Jane Blushing Cheeks as a great product. They make wonderful colors that are highly pigmented to give her that stripey look she seems to favor but they are also very inexpensive. I may be a huge elitist fan of YSL Faul Cils mascara, but I also love the Wet 'n Wild eyeshadow palettes and the Rimmel Black Jet Kohl pencil.
So by being egalitatarian with my makeup kit, not only will I save your campaign money, but I will use products on Sarah that women who don't have very much money (ie., $13,200) can afford to buy, too. And then they'll be able to relate to her better.
5. Now if these qualifications haven't impressed you, let me share one more talent with you that might also come in handy. Not that I'm bragging, but some people have told me that I have a very sexy phone voice. I am just putting it out there...hear me out...but since you've also been responsible for that robocall campaign that even Sarah Palin has admitted wasn't such a great idea because it's really pissing off more people than turning them over to your way of thinking, maybe you need a change there too.
I thought maybe I could kind of "sex up" your calls and then maybe some of the men (at least) would listen to your robocalls without hanging up in disgust before you've delivered your potent messages. I realize that you are counting on some men to be attracted to Sarah and perhaps take advice from those other little friends they keep in their pants to help them decide who to vote for, but if you want someone with a hot voice to help get the message out, let me know.
(Sarah might have the bod for the job, but her voice is grating. I know this is might be coming from left field, so if you just want to consider me for the makeup artistry and get someone else for the robocalls, that is if enough Republican senators have not denounced the practice already, then I'll understand.)
Anyway, thanks for your patience in reading this letter. I realize that you're really in a crunch now and it might be too late to change the negative appearance of your campaign. But I wanted you to know that I'm a hard-working, patriotic American even though I don't live in a small town, so I thought I'd see if I could be of some help. Best of luck with your future political career! I'm sure Karl Rove is so proud of your accomplishments lately!
Very best regards!
ps. At first, I was going to say that you could also recommend me to Michelle Bachmann because she needs all the help she can get after making a total asswipe out of herself in front of the whole country... but since the GOP looks like it's pulling back from supporting her, her opponent has raised almost $500,000 in a single day since she opened her big Mc Carthy-esque mouth, and now there's an active campaign for her censure, it's probably not much use in trying to help her at this point.
Sometimes you can't put lipstick on a pig. And I mean that exactly how it sounds.
Tara, doll, this one's for you! Thank you for being my inspiration and my enabler. xoxo
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Thursday, October 23, 2008
Dear Mr. Larson,